Top Reality TV Moments of the 2000s
1. Tyra Banks’ “We Were Rooting for You!” Speech
Obviously, our love of ANTM is what birthed this glorious website, so Tyra’s infamous speech to Tiffany had to be my number 1 pick. I’ve seen people quote it. I’ve seen people use it as an audition monologue. It will be in the pop culture lexicon for all eternity. And I will continue having fever dreams about it until the day i die.
2. Scary Island
This three-episode arc has EVERYTHING (read that in Bill Hader’s Stefan voice). A cringey photo shoot on the beach? Check. Dancing at “da clurb”? Check. A woman eating gummy candy in the middle of a full psychotic break? CHECK. It’s still debated what caused Kelly Bensimon’s erratic behavior. Many theories have been toted around, but the fact remains that whatever she did or didn’t take, led to some of the best reality television to ever grace our screens. IT’S TURTLE TIME!
3. Naked Wasted
This is one of the darker TV moments on this list. What started as a plan to get a “frenemy” black out drunk, turned into an attempt at sexual assault by mother and son. Because of this, Tamra Judge will forever be an untrustworthy rat fink (no matter how much she claims to love Jesus).
4. When Kristen Banged Jax
Vanderpump Rules in its prime was the personification of a chef’s kiss. This slap was spawned by Kristen sleeping with Stassi’s ex-boyfriend, Jax, while watching the movie, Drive, and then lying about it for an entire season. This may be number 4 on the list, but the level of sociopathy is 100!
5. The Sammi Sweetheart Note
SO many Jersey Shore moments to choose from (i.e. “Stop making fun of my big toe, Ronnie!”), but this note clinched it. It came from such a place of sincerity for Snooki while JWoww was just trying to stir shit up. The decision to hide the note in her dresser and keep it “anonymous” was one in many of a series of unfortunate events. Another one being, “grinding with multiple fat women”.
6. Alexis Neiers’ Phone Call
I firmly believe if Sofia Coppola had included this ICONIC voicemail in The Bling Ring, the box office results would’ve been astronomical. This phone call contains frameworks of humor dating all the way back to 16th century Commedia dell-arte. Gabrielle and Tess frantically pantomiming their feelings are exaggerated Harlequinades and Andrea constantly interrupting, forcing Alexis to re-record a hundred times, is the perfect lazzi! Roses are red, the sky is falling. Nancy Jo, this is Alexis Neiers calling.
7. Kurn Huger
The Real Housewives of Potomac contains so much messiness. From sexual assault cases to bankruptcy, there’s a lot of standout moments to choose from. However, I decided to choose a lighter one, and none made me cackle quite like the shot of Ashley Darby in Karen’s wig. The fact that all of the women, INCLUDING KAREN, were equally delighted (and wasted), make this feel-good, hysterical impression all the more entertaining. What tops it off is Karen’s delusional and unintentionally funny take away: “This girl’s obsessed with me.”
8. Shangela Being What? Sickening.
Don’t ever accuse someone of having a sugar daddy. Case in point: Shangela. I’m just gonna include the entire quote: "I don't have a sugar daddy. I've never had a sugar daddy. If I wanted a sugar daddy, yes, I could probably go out and get one because I am what? Sickening! You could never have a sugar daddy because you are not that kind of girl. Baby everything I've had, I've worked for and I've gotten myself. I built myself from the ground up, you fucking BITCH!" Take that, Mimi.
9. It’s About Tom
If you’re surprised this list has 2 different RHONY moments, then clearly you have some binge watching to do. The NYC franchise has blessed us with dozens of memorable scenes/quotes, but Luann turning a blind eye to her fiancé openly cheating on her in a hotel lobby and Bethenny being forced to tell her on vacation (after chugging a bottle of Skinnygirl Vodka) takes the cake.
10. Dinner Party From Hell
There’s no shortage of emotionally fulfilling RHOBH moments. That’s why I opted for one of the original! This scene was a MadLib for mania. Plus, I’m a sucker for a medium with an e-cigarette. If nothing else, we have to thank Camille for birthing the nickname “The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick”. KNOW THAT.
11. Jade Cole
I bow down to the Reality TV Gods for gracing us with Jade Cole. Thank you for allowing her to pass the psych eval, thank you for her CoverGirl commercial and thank you for giving us a name for the America’s Next Top Best Friend Podcast.
12. The Table Flip
I considered just putting the name “Danielle Staub” as number 12, but no Real Housewives moment proves as recognizable as the RHONJ Table Flip. It was referenced on South Park for God’s sake. I’ve watched this scene so many times, I can quote by heart. Don’t give Danielle diarrhea, give it a re-watch! and remember to PAY ATTENTION, PUH-LEASE.
13. Abby Lee Miller’s Police Report
Let’s be real… Abby has always been extra. I mean, her claim to fame is making children cry on a weekly basis. But no moment proved as over-the-top as her dodging production in a motorized scooter. A quick recap: At an NYC based dance competition, Abby was scrolling through her phone during a performance when a mom in the audience took this time to scold Abby on her bad theater etiquette. This causes Abby to flee the theater (lying about her intended whereabouts) and heading straight to the police station to charge this woman for “verbal assault”. The audience doesn’t see this of course. We watch production frantically flit about multiple intersections, searching for Abby on her motorized scooter. The breaking of the fourth wall was the cherry on top of a VERY chaotic sundae.
14. New York vs. Pumkin
Tiffany Pollard is a reality tv queen. Her getting a loogie to the face was gonna make this list regardless of how many Real Housewives moments I wish I could include. BYE, PUMKIN!
15. Naomi Campbell Dragging Coco Rocha
This is just great life advice. Before you try to start shit with a frenemy, be sure to check your lipstick.
January’s Top Netflix Picks
As most of you know, or frankly none of you, ya girl had sinus surgery yesterday and has since been trapped in bed with the cutest bloody nose and an even cuter mini schnauzer asleep at my feet. Other than falling in and out of slumber (Thanks, narcos), there isn’t much to do except spend time with my oldest and truest love: television. Lucky for you, that means writing a completely subjective list about the top Netflix picks of the week. Whatever bullshit you’re dealing with, from seasonal affective disorder to family fallouts from the holidays, I hope these shows can get you through this difficult time. Enjoy!
Cheer
Have you ever had to live up to impossible standards? Were you dealing with INSANE amounts of anxiety and pressure as a young adult? Do you wish you would’ve had an outside parental figure to turn to when your nudes got leaked online? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then Cheer is the show for you. Not to be confused with the 90s’ hit sitcom that launched Kirstie Alley’s career, Cheer is basically the real life version of Bring It On. But instead of the Rancho Carne Toros vs. The East Compton Clovers, we’ve got Navarro College vs. Trinity Valley Community College. Besides the incredible athleticism that defies all laws of physics, this docu-series introduces us to the students behind the uniforms. We learn about the trials and tribulations Navarro students have had to overcome (LA’DARIUS) and the strength (both mental and physical) that it’s taken to get them this far. By episode 2, you won’t be able to stop from rooting for them to place first in Daytona so they can finally touch the ocean. Also shout out to real life Tami Taylor: Monica Aldama, a.k.a. “The Queen”, whose tough but fair persona has made her a local celebrity and put Corsicana, Texas on the map. The team hosts an incredible cast of characters from Lexi, the reformed bad girl, to Jerry, the heart of the team, to cheer-lebrity, THE Gabi Butler. The death defying stunts these athletes are able to perform will make your blood pressure shoot up, which basically makes you an athlete too! Enjoy the 6 episode mini series and remember: “We can. We will. We must!”
2. Don’t F*** With Cats
This one is not for the weak stomached. It starts off with some pretty disturbing allusions to animal abuse and snuff films, but without giving anything away, there will be retribution. This 3 episode mystery docu-series takes a sharp left turn from funny cat videos to a hunt for a serial killer. You’ll be hooked after the first episode and out for vengeance, like Alexis Neiers after reading Nancy Jo’s article. Plus the two internet sleuths who help police solve this mystery are oddly endearing in a “we haven’t seen sunlight in months” way. Think Patton Oswalt as every character he’s ever played.
3.Sex Education
A killer soundtrack? Check. A queer person of color starring as one of the leads? Check. A hot, troubled girl with a name so pretty I need to remember to use it if I ever decide to have kids? Check. Sex Education is a British comedy series that answers all the questions teens are too uncomfortable to ask. It’s funny, heart-breaking, and like a modern Degrassi, it covers multiple issues high school students are both likely and unlikely to face. Like catching your single sex therapist mom sleeping with your girlfriend’s dad!
4. Unbelievable
This show has been on Netlifx since last September and it’s truly a travesty how little I’m hearing about it. First of all, any show starring Toni Collette and Merrit Weaver should be given ALL THE AWARDS. Unbelievable is based on an article titled "An Unbelievable Story of Rape". It follows Kaitlyn Denver, who plays a young woman coerced by police into retracting her rape allegation. As we jump ahead 3 years, we see the contrast in how rape victims are treated by police and the sensitivity that’s now been instilled in officers, specifically female officers. It’s a combination of true crime and drama that will have you on the edge of your seat as we share in these survivors’ stories.
5. You
I know, i know, i know. This show has a lot of problematic themes and subliminal messaging that when put in the wrong hands (I’m talking to you, incels and neckbeards) could be considered dangerous. But You has had me hooked since Season 1. And Season 2 brings even more to the table. We’re in L.A., meaning creepy Brett Easton Ellis vibes, which might as well be the entire undertone of the show. Plus, more Ambyr Childers (a.k.a. Randall Emmett’s ex-wife), more women of color, and more poetic justice for Joe. What’s not to LOVE?