the bachelor
the bachelor, season twenty-four, episode nine: let the fanty sweetz begin!
I AM BACK AND I HAVE FEELINGS.
And all of those feelings can really be comprised as “Peter might be one of the dumbest people alive.” That’s not just because of Victoria F. and her whining sociopathy[1] but because he seems to really be a Neanderthal who thinks penis-first, brain second. I also think there’s something horrible about the concept of having 30 people hand-picked to date you and realizing none of them are The One. Nick Viall’s spoken about this before, and I really think this is what’s happened with Peter[2]. At this point, he’s just picking the people he wants to sleep with the most and considering their lives later.
The episode picks up at the end of the the last rose ceremony, where Madison in her incredibly sparkly jumpsuit[3] is struggling with the concept of Fanty Sweetz[4] because she’s a virgin. Oh my god, I am tired of hearing the word virgin on this show! We did it! They beat that horse to death last season! Madison takes Peter aside and reveals to him that if he chooses to sleep with any of the other women in the Fanty Sweetz, she’s out. It’s a nonstarter for her.
She’s not asking him to just end this all and pick her, and he correctly points out that it’s not fair to the other relationships for her to ask him to do that. This is this really horrible catch–22 for him, and I hate that I have to take his side. He’s right (for once) that sex is going to be a part of all of these relationships, and he’d like to know what that’s like with his future partner. On the other hand, I totally understand that it’s weird that you could sleep with up to 2 other people and then turn around and ask someone to marry you. That’s all weird, and the only question is this: Madison, what show did you sign up for?
We got mad at Luke P. for doing the same thing to Hannah last season—except his was far more egregious because he implied she would be a bad wife and undeserving of him if she slept with the other men, because Luke P. was such a catch and not at all an abusive maniac. But like Pam Beesly Halpert told Michael Scott about Holly Flax, “I don’t know of many happy relationships that get started on an ultimatum.”
Peter was thrown a curveball, and he doesn’t know how to handle it. He also needs a ton of external gratification, as we’ve seen this season, and the fact that he’s told Madi he’s falling in love with her and she hasn’t said it back. This is going to go well and maturely, for sure.
Either way, they’re all going to Australia, Sydney, to be exact. Do not get me started on my feelings about Australia[5] and so I’m glad they banished Peter et al there. Leave Victoria F. there, maybe she can stay with the Australian guy who held me captive in his apartment once.
But in a special act of cruelty, the women are all sharing a hotel suite in Australia. Why do the producers of this show go to such low-down, baseline bullshit tactics like this? I don’t care about their tension!!! I don’t! Peter enters the room and calls them “sheilas” and I… I want to punch him. He’s matched his shirt to his swim trunks, and gives them a pep talk about how excited he is for this week. Hannah Annah is the first of the dates, and he! Is! Ready! To! Bang! Her![6]
I have nothing to say about Peter and Hannah Annah’s date. They ride on speedboats! They sit next to the water and talk about their relationship, and I just can’t be bothered to care. They kiss as the sun sets in the water, have dinner, Chris Harrison gives them the Fanty Sweet Card, and they definitely go home to bang.
Back at the hotel, Madison is spiraling, to the worst person you can spira in front of: Victoria. Victoria, who has no idea what Madison told Peter, basically implies “Yeah, it’s important we fuck because I gotta know what that dick tastes like and I only like the dicks of men who aren’t 100% commited to me, so,” essentially planting the seeds of a future breakdown tree in Madi’s brain. It’s a “weird thought” that Peter might be staying the night with Hannah Annah and next me, right, Madison?
Victoria is insane[7].
Ugh, and now we have to listen to Victoria’s date. I’d rather be trapped listening to Jessica from Love Is Blind’s fake baby voice. Their date consists of being a plane vehicle that is not flown by Peter because he’s a Pilot who flies PLANES not a Helicopter Pilot, two very different things maybe. They celebrate not fighting while they sit in some brush next to a lake, and they make out in nature[8].
At the hotel, Madison is seriously close to spiraling, explaining to Hannah Annah that he she has high standards in their relationship, and the idea of him sleeping with someone else makes her uncomfortable, and she wouldn’t be able to continue on if he slept with other women. Hannah Annah is shook, probably because she is still smelling Peter all over her body at that very moment.
Peter is so excited to see if Victoria can get through an entire conversation without huffing, puffing, and walking her ass out. Victoria, hilariously, calls communication the biggest part of a relationship, which is hysterical considering she REFUSES TO COMMUNICATE. icky Vicky and Peter almost get into a huge fight but basically he’s like “Dude, don’t give up before giving me a chance to even try to work it out.” You know you’re a mess when even Peter’s telling you to be more mature. She accepts her Fanty Sweet card.
Madison won’t be comfortable in her relationship with Peter if he’s slept with the other two women, full stop. We know this now. It’s gonna be a mess!
The producers decide they’ve tortured Madison enough because it’s time for her date, and man, is Peter enamored with her. But they’re going to torture both of them this time, because guess what!
They’re going to climb some giant ass building to see Sydney.
Honestly, Madison, this is the reason you should leave.
I’ve been to the top of the Burj Khalifa in Dubai[9] and that was entirely inside. You know what I say to this? No. NONONONOONONONONONOONo.
But of course, the producers rely on Stockholm Syndrome to get this show to work, because Madison is now in love with Peter. Is that what I have to do to get a man to fall in love with me? Climb a building? Guess imma be single 5ever!
In the hotel suite/sorority house, Victoria found out about Madison’s virginity and what she told Peter, and she’s pissed off. She thinks it’s unfair (true) and she thinks Madison’s disgusting (ehhhhh) for holding this against Peter.
Madison, wearing another sequin dress, is so nervous for her dinner with Peter, because she knows they’ve got a lot to talk about. She’s never felt this way before. And Peter, for whatever reason, is in love with her too. But even if he is madly in love with her, that’s not enough not to be bangin’! But she’s right to say she has expectations in a partner, and she is right to be able to express those expectations…. even if that’s saying she couldn’t be in a relationship with him because he’s slept with the other women.
Here’s the thing: It’s not like she knows Peter isn’t a virgin. This is so weirdly semantic, because Peter’s entire THING was being Four Times In A Windmill Pilot Pete ahead of this show. Madison’s just like “I don’t want my boyfriend fucking other women even though I know it’s happened before,” feels so odd to me. So off-base. And Peter admits to her that yeah, he slept with the other two women this week. He won’t lie to her about that, even though it probably would come out anyway. And Madison’s willing to walk away from him because of that. She won’t be able to wrap her mind around the idea that six days before a proposal, her boyfriend slept with other women. That’s fair! But it’s not fair in the context and the bubble of this show.
Both of them suck for this. Madison goes and cries behind a glass door, where even the kangaroos and koalas are like “I mean, that sucks?” Peter stays at his table and cries. It’s all a lot of tears. Peter comes out to try to tak to her and does his signtaure “rests his forehead against hers” move, trying to get her to say something. He says “I can’t lose you,” which to me, is real Final 1 talk.
But nah, she’s donzo. She won’t feel bad for having principles and sticking to them. I don’t blame her, yet I kind of do. She didn’t explain the relgious aspect,just implied it, so she came off looking like she didn’t want Peter to sleep with the other women just because she didn’t want it. I’m not here for anyone.
Next Week: We get to see the aftermath of this whole mess! And then, the reunion show, my leeeeeeast favorite day of the year.
Tonight, on Sick Sad World:
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Yes, a big part of me doesn’t like Victoria F. because she reminds me so much of my former best friend, who was a whining sociopath who seemed to get off on my misery. But I’m not biased, the internet seems to agree with me that VF sucks. ↩
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What else would help? If half the cast wasn’t 12 years old. ↩
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I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT, my roommate is having a jumpsuit-themed leap day party this weekend and… is this available for two-day shipping and under $30 somewhere? No? Okay. ↩
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If you’re new here, “Fanty Sweetz” is my name for the “Fantasy Suites,” because it barely saves any time syllabically but man, is it fun to say. ↩
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IT SEEMS SO SCARY THERE???? There are all these animals and all of these white people and there’s that animal they claim doesn’t exist but will jump out of a tree and rip your scalp out??? And they seem really lax with their use of the n-word, sooooooo NOPE! ↩
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I've said this in texts to other people, but man, if Peter really does get his free Sex Vacation and winds up choosing Madison at the end, we will actually see the Madonna/Whore Complex at work. He is despicable. ↩
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And TBH, so are the producers, for putting Madison's Fanty Sweet date last, allowing her to spiral and unravel in an anxiety haze for three days. ↩
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Not a brag. ↩
the bachelor, season twenty-four, episode four: apparently we can all flee to the cleve
Oh, here hell come.
Basically, we start this week with Chris Harrison, the rotten toenail found under a corpse your cousin from Idaho buried after a bad ayahuasca trip. He’s there to let the ladies know it’s time to make biscuits. I hope it’s literal biscuits, not Peter, who has the personality of a bad KFC biscuit.[1]
Chris Harrison. Reveals. They’re. Going. To.
CLEVELAND.
AFKJAD;KLSFDLSKFJDS;KLFJDSKFJDASKL;FJDSAF;KDSJAFKL;DS
CLEVELAND
MY GOD, I WANT TO DIE FOR ALL OF THESE GIRLS[2]
Like, as a still-Michigan resident who has lived in New York for nearly five years, I think if they told me, a contestant on this show in this hypothetical scenario, I had to go to Ohio, I would quit. It is morally against the law for a Michigander to step foot in the state of Ohio and pretend it is anything but a deep dark hellmouth. The literal armpit of America, Hawthorne Heights is the only people who tried to pretend Ohio Is For Lovers Is a thing.
Peter has no idea that Superman landed in Kansas, not Ohio, and makes zero references to the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall Of Fame. We, here at the-audacity.com, do not even consisder the Rock Hall a viable option for anything, and will continue not to do so until they give The B–52s, Tina Turner, Gayle King, and Pat Benatar what they rightfully deserve[3]. The girls describe The Cleve as “stunning,” which… no.
They are correct about midwestern people. We are superior.
They arrive at whatever Hilton sponsored them to be there, and there’s… A DATE CARD!!!!!!!
It’s for Victoria F, who gets a reminder that Peter is a pilot, in case you forgot. They didn’t show him fly to Cleveland, so I don’t know if he’s really a pilot or not. We’re gonna find out. Mykbarfbarf is having a temper tantrum about not being seen by Peter, which means she will have a meltdown at some point!
The car carrying Victoria drops her off on an airport, because PETER IS A PILOT DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW. Victoria immediately freaks out that they’re going skydiving, but instead, Peter’s going to show he’s a pilot because they’re not sure if the audience knows. THey go to the only cool part of Ohio, Cedar Point, a place I have only been once in the eighth grade, and I hope their date is jumping off the Millennium Force.
I would be so mad to be on this date. It’s clearly raining, and I don’t want to be on a fucking rollercoaster with the rain whipping me in the face. They toast to “hot moms and successful dads,” which, Victoria, why? Peter wants four kids so they can all be equal and have accompaniment on rollercoasters, the highest standard to which you should decide if you should have children. They have a private Chase Rice concert!
I have no idea who Chase Rice is, but they assume we should, because guess what: Victoria does. It’s also not private, as there’s a huge audience there with cameras and phones to capture every moment. OH WAIT, CHASE RICE IS THERE. Chase Rice, Victoria’s ex-boyfriend, is the anonymous country singer this week, except he’s not an anonymous country singer! Victoria knows THE WORDS to his mystery country song![^4][^4]
Peter and Chase Rice chat, it’s not gonna be mentioned until much, much later. Victoria’s mortified, and Chase Rice has NO IDEA[4]. Victoria is so weird and awkward and Chase Rice DGAF. Victoria doesn’t want to make Peter sad that she’s been on a date with a guy in the past and that guy happened to be there? This is a nothingburger! This is such a nonstarter, whatever. Victoria’s annoying. [5]: I can’t imagine Chase Rice being just called “Chase.”
Back at the house, literally every single girl except Kelsey is on the…
DATE CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s gonna be. A battle. To the death.
Anyway, Victoria tells Peter, who we learn is literally a doofus because he kept saying “Chase Rice? Like, Chase Rice from today? The Chase Rice? Asechay Iceray? Chase Rice who performed for us today?” And Victoria spirals because she… doesn’t want him to think she lied? She doesn’t want him to lose hope because she has an ex-boyfriend? She gets the rose, and my eyes are down the street.
Peter shows up to some sports arena and the girls are going to literally play football. Blah blah blah, there’s a lazy joke to be made here about how they’re going to induce CTE in order to mentally get these girls on the same level as Peter, but that’s just too easy and really, insensitive. They’re going to play football for time with Peter, and I’m just thrilled they haven’t dragged Fred Willard out again for color commenary, and rather two people I have never seen before and can only assume probably are affiliated to ABC/ESPN/Disney in some way[6]. Or they could be random infuencers, this show exists on another plane and dimension.
The game, of course, ends in a tie, which means all thirteen women are going to the after-after-after-after party. They’re coming up with game plans because they all know they’re competing to the death, aka what I imagine a life with Peter would be like. At the after-after-after-after party, Victoria P., who already had a ton of one-on-one time with Peter due to her abstaining from football due to a back problem, is the first to take Peter aside, and the girls are openly pissed. Namely Shiann, who busted her ass on the football field and was named MVP, and thinks she should have at least gotten some time with Peter.
When she does get time with him, she talks about how she’s feeling pushed aside and wants him to know that Shiann is there for Peter, and Peter only. Note: some of the girls haven’t talked to Peter in two cocktail parties, due to drama, and now this is their chance. But WAIT, NOPE.
Alayah is there. Some producer flew her ass out to Cleveland for the drama of it all, and she’s there to fuck shit up. She interrupts Peter and Shiann, and her motion to interrupt a Black woman makes me want to tear her eyes out. Again, didn’t like her last week, don’t like this bullshit this week. Alayah tells Peter she didn’t get a chance to defend herself, so she’s there to stand up for herself. Basically, Victoria P. lied to Peter about their friendship, she has nothing to gain from lying to him. Peter’s confused, which seems to be a standard emotion from him, and Victoria P. is about to get confronted with some brand new information. The girls reveal that maybe Victoria P. is the fake one—she was holding hands with Alayah during the rose ceremony while also trashing her behind her back.
Everyone is confused, and I’m bored, really. I can’t be bothered to care.
Peter, Victoria, and Alayah all sit down together and no one can come to terms on the straight story. Victoria didn’t know what else to say to Peter when confronted about their relationship, and she can’t flat out say “I lied,” because, well, that wouldn’t look good. Alayah just didn’t want other people involved in her relationship with Peter, and guess what? He asks her if she wants to come back.[7] She’s coming back, and SHE STILL HAS SHIT TO STIR UP.
Alayah, of all people, gets the group date rose. Fuck you, Peter. God. This is gonna be the week all of the WOC get cut in one giant fell swoop, right? I don’t trust him. A ton of the girls are mad. Natasha’s pissed, Mykenna’s pissed, and Alayah’s there to stir shit up. She’s the one to reveal to the girls that Victoria and Chase Rice had dated in the past, because she got her phone back and she got to see the internet while she was gone, so she knows all the tea[8].
The girls are mad at Alayah, but they’re just as angry with Peter for letting her come back.
It’s time for Kelsey’s date with Peter, and he’s ready to explore Cleveland with her. He also doesn’t have a proper jacket on, and this definitely has to be November. In Cleveland. Kelsey takes the news Alayah’s returning like, “okay bitch, explore, I’m fine with that, because I want you to pick me and be confident in that at the end.” They happen on a polka dance, and Peter is apparently passionate about polka. Peter The Pilot Plays Polka. Pitiful.
There is literally so little to do in Cleveland they’re not even showing us the names of the places they’re eating ice cream. Apparently, Cleveland is super into… soapbox racing, a thing I thought Frankie Muniz made up[9]. This feels like one of those “Everyone in Cleveland does it!” things that no one actually really does.
Kelsey found out that her dad was leaving her mom before her mom found out, and didn’t see her dad for 12 years, and Peter cries because, of course. Peter asks Kelsey if her parents divorce affects they way she views relationships, and of course it fucking does. As the proud child of parents who I begged to get divorced, every single relationship I have is rooted in the foundation of that. Shut up, Peter. Go to SHUT UP MOUNTAIN.
Kelsey gets the rose.
Alayah told all the girls in the house that Chase Rice was on the date with Victoria, and Victoria is fuckin’ pissed. It is nasty for Alayah to literally get access to the rest of the world and then come back and taint the entire environment with your knowledge. That’s not yours to tell, Alayah. Meanwhile, Victoria’s the complete opposite of the sobbing shell we’d seen the day prior, going to Alayah to tell her she fucked up and she’s going to make sure Peter knows. The other women are upset with Peter for giving Alayah the group date rose she didn’t earn.
At the cocktail party, Deandra immediately calls out Peter for disrespecting the women who got literally bruised and beat up at the football game and daring to hold Alayah’s hand and come in and give her the rose. They’re right, I’m glad this is the first interaction we’ve ever seen her have with Peter. Because what he did was upsetting and fucked up. He apologizes, says he was influenced, he didn’t mean it. He goes to take Victoria P. aside, and she’s upset and confused that he threw her under the bus. He didn’t want her to get in the middle, but he had no problem with putting her there.
The girls all pounce on Alayah for claiming she’s here for Peter, when the first thing she even said to Peter was “I’m here to clear my name and the things that were said about me.” Peter’s one of those dudes who keeps making the wrong choices over, and over, and over again, and he literally cannot see how his actions have consequences. All of the girls are taking Peter to TASK for not treating them equally, by not even trying to get to know them. Sydney even says “you don’t know anything about me,” and it’s all confusing. There’s so much that’s being left out, and Peter’s confused, because he fucked up.
To be continued…
Next week, on The Bachelor: Peter’s making out with erveryone. There’s a lot of tears. Who made my girl Tammy cry? And finally, we see Peter hit his face like the dummy he is.
Tonight, on Sick Sad World:
- My god, Peter CANNOT dance.
- I literally had a screaming fit about how much I hate Peter. This dude sucks. He sucks so hard.
- Victoria P. has my least favorite style of all the girls. She somehow looks 25 and 45.
- I really, really, really need the drama to step itself up this season. I’m so bored.
- Loved Victoria F’s tantrum where she's like "I WANT TO TALK TO HIM LET ME TALK TO HIM" and then she promptly runs away because she, in fact, cannot talk to him.
- My dislike for Peter went from palatable to blatant. I don’t think I’ve hated a Bachelor this much in years, simply because I don’t. Get it. I don’t understand what his appeal should be. I don’t get it. He’s so boring. His personality is avoidant, he’s a commitment phobe, he constantly rewards bad behavior — ugh.
- Alayah is a straight up sociopath, more than Hannah Annah. That smug smirk constantly on her face, the raised eyebrow…
- That Hawthorne Heights reference is for like, two people.
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I blame my mom for making me a biscuit snob. POPEYES FOR LIFE ↩
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Like, they’re not even capable of pretending they’re excited to flee to the Cleve. I miss you, 30 Rock. ↩
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None of these people are in the Rock Hall. Can you believe that? Like, Green Day is in the Rock Hall, and Tina Turner is not. Even Billie Joe Armstrong can see that’s incorrect…. not sure if Tre Cool can, though. Will revisit. ↩
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Peter, however, does not. He does that thing where you mouth syllabic sounds in the guise of looking like you know the words. Peter knows nothing, and we know nothing about him except he's a pilot who married his parents. ↩
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I can't imagine Chase Rice being just called "Chase." That's like calling Regina King "Regina," you just don't do it. It's against the rules. ↩
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Let’s be real, there are so many people they couldn’t pay to go to Cleveland. I am one of them. Two things I won’t do: Go to The Cleve and fly Spirit Airlines. ↩
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Has anyone notified the poor employees at the Hilton Downtown Cleveland Center they need to make a new bed? ↩
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Alayah is totally a white girl who wants to use AAVE. ↩
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Everyone knows Frankie Muniz has no memory of Malcolm in the Middle after his stroke, but what about Miracle in Lane 2? ↩
the bachelor, season twenty-four, episode three: the flu didn’t kill me but this episode nearly did
Hello, I’m back from the dead.
After being punched in the face with what I can only describe as “a brain-burning flu,” I revived myself to recap this monstrous season of The Bachelor, where every contestant seems to be competing to see who can be the most unlikeable, and Peter literally cannot pretend he has a single fuck left to give in his entire body, mind, and soul. Like, I’ve never seen someone so clearly going through the motions, or even worse, not giving a fuck about what you have to say so much they’d rather just make out with you or get to know you. We’re three episodes in, and even #ChampagneGate isn’t the enthralling, drama-filled storyline we want or need. I can barely tell any of these 24-year-olds apart, let alone when one of them is splashed in the face with champagne![1] By all accounts, Hannah Annah is a sociopath, Kelsey is annoying, and we’re gonna all pettifog up and down this series about the word “bully”.
Anyway, we’re back at the mansion, and Kelsey is still butthurt AF about what happened. So is Hannah Annah. My queen Alexa has to sit through Hannah Annah’s tears, while Victoria P. has packed her bag, used a bronzer that’s basically all pan as eyeshadow, and Pilot Peter, who is a Pilot, is going to take her on yet another massively inappropriate date around his hometown. Which is Los Angeles. Not a big stretch.
They try on cowboy boots, and what? What do we know about Peter, other than the fact that maybe he might be a pilot, that assumes he has the personality of a person who wears cowboy boots? Men in cowboy boots are not to be trusted.[2] But of course, he teaches her to “dance” and takes to what has to be the only country line dancing bar in all of California.
To no one’s surprise, Peter cannot dance. Add that to the short list of things we know about him.
They make out afer some entirely banal conversation, and he claims it’s “comfortable and natural,” which… I mean. I guess. I just think Peter’s horny, honestly!!!!!! He’s the kind of dude who latches on early and quickly.
Back at the mansion, Kelsey and Hannah Annah agree to disagree about Kelsey lashing out on Hannah Annah. Hannah Annah claims she’s not a champagne stealer, Kelsey claims she doesn’t even like champagne that much, they’re both annoying. Hannah Annah has that magical skill of white women of being able to cry whenever they feel victimized for fucking u–
What was that?
Hannah Annah, what did you just say?
Finasco?
What in the fucking fuck is a finasco?
JUST SAY “ISSUE”.
Whenever they have the Dinner Where They Don’t Eat Dinner, Victoria P. reveals that man, yes, she had a HARD AS FUCK life with a mom who was addicted to drugs and she had to overcome a lot. Oh, and their date is in an airplane hangar, because did you know Peter is a pilot who flies planes? If you don’t know, now you know!
While Alayah freaks out about wanting to join the Mile High Club, the girls have decided they. do. not. liek. her.
Cierra, Sarah, Tammy, Kelly, Shiann, Savannah, Sydney, and Alayah are all on the…. DATE CARD!!!!!!!!
Alayah immediately asks one of the girls, “how do you feel about not getting a date?” Alayah is one of those girls who loves the sound of her own voice and doesn’t care who knows.
Oh. Demi’s here.
Are we expected to care? Why do the producers of Bachelor Nation keep siccing her on us? Isn’t it enough she frauded a bunch of people for attention and clout on Bachelor in Paradise? She claims she’s close friends with Peter, which we… have never seen. But they come in and attack the girls with pillows, and the girls on the group date have to change into their outfits, and there’s silk–
Kiarra.
Kiarra, what… what did you say?
Is that…
“Lingery?”
Like, linger-y?
Is that how “lingerie” is pronounced by these young people today? JUST CALL THEM PAJAMAS. [3]
Savannah, who we have never seen in this show, is given a muumuu. In the van on the way, Peter asks if those are really their pajamas, which, we have another thing we know about Peter, now. He’s a dummy.
They walk up, and because this show is somehow for the male gaze while being watched predominantely by women, Demi instructs the girls that they’re going to be having a pillow fight in lingerie. I blacked out. They dragged Fred Willard out yet again for color commentary, and the star of A Mighty Wind deserves way more than to have to sit next to an infected smelly boil, aka, Chris Harrison.
It comes down to Alayah and Sydney, the rivalry they set forth not evn five minutes again. Aleyah sits on Sydney in the end, making her the champion, and Sydney is salty. Saaaaaalllllty. She big mad that she things Alayah is calculated, orchestrated, she’s a pageant queen. Much like Caelynn and her phoniness last year, Alayah rubs people th wrong way because she’s doing what she things is right. Including her time with Peter: She immediately runs to “I just want to be vuuuuulllllnuerable with you,” because that’s what you do in this scenario.
Meanwhile, Sydney tries to throw shade to Alayah by asking her, “Oh hey, like, do you have a job?” If you’re asking someone if they have a job, them’s fightin’ words. She asks if she’s had a hard time breaking out of her pageant mold, and Alayah owns up to that — yep, she does, and she’s aware of it. And Sydney of course, takes that as “oh, so you’re making sure you’re showing Peter you’re like, a real person, right?”
The music cue here deserves an Emmy. It went from nonchalant to ominious swiftly.
Of course, Sydney runs to tattle to Peter, and basically claims that some people are different when the cameras are up and the cameras are down. Peter’s biggest fear is falling for someone who has the wrong intentions like Hannah did[4]. Peter comes to talk to all the girls, and he mentions that he’s afraid of being blindsided or that he’s being bamboozled. So he throws Sydney under the bus and flat out asks her to name names in front of everyone about who she was talking about.
OH MY GOD. The mess! The messy! The catastrophe!
Sydney is flat out like yep, Alayah, I was talking about you, and Alayah does the really mature adult thing and is like “well, does everyone feel this way about me?” as if anyone is going to take the time to stand up and be like, “Yeah, you know what, I agree! Yucko!” Peter literally lit the match, threw the gasoline down, and walked away.
Alayah doesn’t deny Sydney’s assessment of her, but she’s upset that Sydney called it out, to Peter directly. Alayah tries to smooth things over, but it’s kind of a non-starter. Sydney, and her honesty, get the group date rose.
The mansion is overcome with a puff of black smoke, and Chris Harrison, my Nemesis, appears. Guess what? They’re going to have a pool party! No big deal! Peter comes into the mansion and reveals to the girls that he has the Big D: Doubt. He’s not feeling confident, he needs answers, and he immediately grabs Sydney to talk.
Sydney is surprisingly adept and smart—she basically tells him to listen, something that Peter definitely struggles with. She wants him to look past the pretty face and the sweet voice and really listen to what she’s saying and not just the fact that she seems one type of way. Alayah is on a rampage to claim that she’s not the way Sydney claims she is, she’s asked every girl in the house and they all said she wasn’t.
CUT TO: Kelsey prefacing a sentence, “I love Alayah, but–”. I love the editors of this show so much. Kelsey says Alayah knows how to turn it on and off, but that’s on Peter to discover, not to be told.
Alayah, again, talking to the girls about how she’s only here for Peter, and the only person whos opinion she cares about is Peter’s.
CUT TO: Natasha talking to Peter that Alayah is aware of the cameras.
Alayah’s not going to apologize for being a pageant girl.
CUT TO: Another girl, a redhead, talking to Peter about how she’s not a fan of Alayah, and how as soon as the cameras go up, her voice raises five octaves.
Alayah’s talking about how her best friend makes a spicy margarita, someone comes over and she says “Hiiiiiii!”
I love this show.
But again, we’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: Getting caught up in someone else’s intentions can always be a kiss of death on this show. Sydney, you might have successfully got the girls to open up about Alayah, but now you’re a snitch.
Peter is fuckng obsessed with Madison, who is obsessed with her dad, and we haven’t heard about him yet thiis episode! I’m shocked she’s breathing!
Alayah takes Peter aside and they talk, Peter reveals his fear about falling for someone who isn’t who they say they are, and she’s using all the right words. She’s like, “I’m a horrible liar, I’m falling for you, I’m so interested in you,” it’s barf. Barf, barf, barf. But Peter buys it—hook, line, sinker.[5] He’s attracted to her, he’s into her, he believes her… somewhat.
Not so much he can’t bring it up to Victoria P., who knew Alayah from the pageant world. They’d known each other for maybe, three hours together, during Miss USA, but Alayah asked Victoria to lie to production and to Peter about them knowing each other.
OOP.
And she was open to the “opportunities” after this, even if Peter isn’t her husband.
I MEAN, HONESTLY, WHY ARE WE STILL GETTING MAD AT THESE GIRLS FOR GOING ON THIS SHOW TO WANT TO DO SPON-CON? At least they’re not joining multi-level marketing schemes, right? I got a literal ad with My Nemesis Chris Harrison and Ben Oatmeal Higgins for a game on my phone the other day. I highly doubt Oatmeal went onto this show to get paid the big bucks annoying people in an iPhone game ad. But either way, it’s Not The Right Reasons, which is the main reason to go on this show.
Peter, however, is not a happy camper. He’s not trying to show Alayah under the bus, but he flat out uses the word manipulative to describe Alayah to her FACE. Alayah’s face goes blank when Peter brings up her asking Victoria not to tell the producers they knew each other, and all she can do is:
blink.
blink blink.
I cackle. She comes up with the flimsy excuse that she thought them knowing each other would cancel the other out and get them both disqualified, which, I mean, Alayah. One-third of Colton’s season was about the relationship between Caelynn and Alabama Hannah prior to the show, we’ve had literal twins compete multiple times. I mean, Kelley is literally sitting right there! Come on, girl, this is so shameful and sad. Peter doesn’t buy it, because we may know that he’s a dummy, but he’s not stupid.
Alayah knows she done fucked up, and all the girls are watching while she flips out. Peter dips out, he went the fuck home. He straight up Irish exited[6].
Meanwhile, Mykbarfbarf reminds us that she exists by crying that eight of the women didn’t get time with Peter that night. It’s fine, I don’t think you’re missing that much.
The rose ceremony starts.
Kelsey, Hannah Annah, Natasha, Lexi (the who of the season), Madison, Shiann, Kelley, Kiarra, Tammy, Savannah, and Deandra all get roses.
Peter’s freaking out, and he walks away with two roses left on the table. He’s so confused, and it’s literally all coming down to Alayah. He wants to give her the rose, but he doesn’t want to regret this. He comes back, apologizes, and then Chris Harrison takes away a rose from the table.
I fell out. I actually hollered. I didn’t expect Peter to have this much chutzpah! Is that a new thing we learned about him? He has chutzpah?
Mykenn—god, I can’t do it, y’all—gets the final rose after the producers put her through literal mental anguish.
That means bye to Jasmine, my queen Alexa, Alayah[7], and Sarah, who doesn’t even get an on-camera goodbye from Peter, what?
We see Peter talking to a producer about how bad he feels letting Alayah going home. He doesn’t know why he did it in the first place, he just listened to the other girls and not what he wanted. He’s not sure if that was the right move to make.
CUT TO: The other girls wanting the drama to be over and being thrilled she’s gone.
Oop!
Next Week, on The Bachelor: We’re… in… Cleveland? Is this an episode of 30 Rock? Victoria F. has a one-on-one with Peter with her ex-boyfriend, Chase Rice, as the performer, oh god. I LOVE THE PRODUCERS OF THIS SHOW. Oh, and Alayah’s back for vengeance, an all the girls are rebelling. See you next week!
Tonight, on Sick Sad World:
• Can we get more chyrons for these girls? Still can’t tell any of these women apart.
• Fred Willard is 80 years old.
• Can Hannah Annah not use the suffix “-ing?” She sounds like Lydia from the Real Housewives of Melbourne, who ended everything with “-ink.”
• Also, I think the reason I don’t like Hannah Annah is because she reminds me so much of one of my least favorite reality tv contestants who gave us one of my favorite reality tv moments, Cassandra “Mia Farrow In Rosemary’s Baby” Whitehead from season 5 of America’s Next Top Model. That girl famously described herself a sociopath who hasn’t killed anyone.
• The only women on this season I can stand are the Black women and the WOC. Kiarra, Natasha and Tammy give me everything.
• I can’t spell Deandra’s name. D’Andra Simmons from Real Housewives of Dallas has ruined that name for me.
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I will, however, admit to laughing at that GIF of Kelsey many, many times last week. I may have had the flu, but I still had a sense of humor! ↩
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Examples? The Rich Texan from The Simpsons, the entire cast of Dallas, my dad… ↩
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FUCK YOU, JED. FUCK YOU SO MUCH. ↩
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This is the most I’ve referenced sports in a recap in a long time! ↩
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Irish Exit (v.): leaving quietly out the side door of a party or bar without saying goodbye to anyone, most likely because you're too drunk to stay there. ↩
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Who gets a brutal exit, wondering if that rose Chris Harrison took away was for her, and we, the audience, know that. Oh my god. I love the editors of this show. I would die for them. ↩
the bachelor, season twenty-four, episode one: where my lady pilots @?
The only reason my hopes are high for the Pilot Pete Prank Show this season (a.k.a, The Bachelor) is because I have a personal rule: The more boring the Bachelor, the more insane the season. Ben Higgins? Chris Soules? Those boring ass dudes gave us some of the most entertaining television of the last decade[1] and yet no one cares because those dudes were boring AF. But here we are, yet again: With a boring man as the lead, bound to get some true obnoxious shenanigans out of it.
For those of you who don’t know me… how did you get here? Just kidding, welcome to the-audacity.com, I’m Amanda Mitchell, your resident voice for all things Bachelor related. Nearly four years into doing this and it doesn’t get any easier, but I still love this garbage show with every part of what exists of my soul.
But who at ABC do I need to sue to punish for making this premiere three hours long? Go to jail. Go to prison! Go out of business, mega-congolomorate, ABC, for thinking this was a good idea. No one needed or asked for this. I’m not even kidding. You know this is true.
Our season begins with an omnious conversation between Chris Harrison and Pilot Pete finding out something they didn’t know before. They’re doing the Real Housewives thing where they start at the end and go back to the beginning because for some reason, in recent years, it’s become a big part of the reality tv canon. You know who’s to blame for this? The grandmother of reality TV herself, Tyra Fucking Banks. Trust me. I’m allowed to make blanket statements like that because I’ve earned the right.
Did you know Pete is a pilot? I’m sure ABC will remind you over and over again because their last pilot Bachelor turned out to be dudsville[2]. We get a wonderful package of Pete falling in love with Alabama Hannah, and him being heartbroken. Blah, blah, blah, season after season, we get it. But we’re supposed to forget that we could have had our First Black Bachelor in Mike Johnson by the fun reminder that Pete, despite white-passing, is Cuban! Diversity! This show isn’t just made for and by white people, they promise!
For some reason, they pretend Chris Harrison, a putrid zit on the underside of a scrotum, can drive a car or even cares about Peter, and he “drives” “Peter” to the “airport”. Why aren’t his parents doing this? What is the logic here? Why am I trying to find logic in a hopeless place? Rihanna found love there, but there is no logic to be found.
We see Peter putting on his tuxedo, inclduing his fucking bow tie, because this show clearly wants me to roast him just like Jon Stewart roasted Tucker Carlson for wearing a bow tie. Peter is my Tucker Carlson.
I don’t want to dislike the man this much—I don’t even think I hated Colton this palatably, and I wrote a whole piece calling him dangerous for women’s perspectives—but he’s just… there. Imagine getting a job because you’re just around and you’re not going to rock the boat. I would never want to be the safe bet, but apparently Peter does, and who am I to knock that? He’s making six figures as the lead on an hit ABC television series and I’m… writing about it for free on the internet.
Regardless, it’s time to get into our cast preview and see which young, blonde, white women we’ll pretend are interested in Peter this year!
Wait.
I have been… bamboozled. I am shook. Kill me with a fire, here we are: WE HAVE A BROWN SKIN WOMAN WITH CURLY HAIR AS OUR FIRST LADYESTANT THIS SEASON, WHAT?????????????????????????????????????????
I quit. This show continues to shake my soul to it’s very core. That curl pattern. That hair. Oh my god. How…. How dare you, ABC. Alexa lives in Chicago and is an esthetician, which means I love her. Please remove hair from my body. I trust her with my entire soul, which is something I probably will come to regret in a few weeks.
Don’t do this to the natural girls, ABC. Just don’t. We trust you… this time.
Next up is Hannah Ann from Knoxville, who is… a model. And she’s fucking gorgeous. I can’t handle you, Hannah Ann. I’m calling top two on Hannah Ann, solely because…. she’s a dark-haired Alabama Hannah. Someone please layer their faces on top of each other? She's giving me robot vibes, and that frightens me.
Tammy from Syracuse is a wrestler and a real estate agent, which…God, I feel like I’m watching someone’s Tinder profile. Which, I suppose these openers are, right?
Victoria P. is this season’s nurse! Her dad’s not alive! Her mom is a drug addict! I hate to say it, but this narrative… does not bode well for Victoria P. If they need to give you the sympathy narrative in the opener, you likely fuck up over the course of the season. But who knows?
Kelley works alongside her entire family and OH MY GOD DOES EVERYONE HAVE THE COSMO FROM DRYBAR THIS SEASON? Something something, she ran into Peter in a lobby and thinks it’s a sign.
Madison from Alabama is a basketball plater and is super, super, super close with her dad. Oh no. That’s not the last we’re going to see this!!!!!
MAURISSA. OH MY GOD. WHO ARE ARE YOU, MY BLACK GODDESS? I have never loved someone so much in my life, if Peter gives up on her, I will find him. Her whole narrative is about her pageant career, diet problems, and how she got healthy again. My sweet darling baby angel, I wish you all the luck in the world.
Oh, by the way: I will irrationally stan any Black woman on this show. If ya racist, how the hell did you get here? Have you seen this blog? Have you read it? Why— how— I just.
Ugh we’re back with Bow Tie and his Bow Tie being all Bow Tie and chatting with a man who likely thinks Justin Timberlake’s career wasn’t founded on putting down women, Chris Harrison, who calls Peter’s tuxedo “sharp”, as if he’s not wearing a fuuuuuuucking bow tie that makes him look like Richie Rich!
The introductions every season are my favorite part; they’re the equivalent of the America’s Next Top Model makeovers. First out is Alayah, who comes in wearing a stunning grey gown and gives Peter a letter from her Grandma Rose, which… is the kind of sappy bullshit I can stand. Whenever I become The Second Black Bachelorette, I command contestants lean into sap over schtick. It is written, it is law.
Alabama Sydney comes in and throws shade to Alabama Hannah, which I, personally, don’t appreciate. How dare. Hannah Ann comes in and of course, references Alabama Hannah, and y’all: Keep. My. Girl’s. Name. Outcha. Mouf.
I was too busy laughing at that next joke to get the next girl but og my god the Black women they cast on this season. I love Lauren and her ponytail and her sparkly black jumpsuit and I am in LOVE???????? Marry me!
Victoria P. comes in and they Happy Dance, and I don’t trust her, I can’t help it, I don’t know what’s happening there. Too many people are liking this—
there is a girl.
named
bDSAJFDS;KLFD
WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THIS SHOW???????
I missed my queen Maurissa’s introduction because I went into a blackout rage for a quick second there, but man, they are breezing through these intros. So many of these girls have hair that is too long, so many girls have the same hair, help. Eunice the flight attendant comes in wearing wings, which is likely going o be the first of many, many flight attendants.
And guess what? I’m right. They introduce three flight attendants in total, because this show thinks it’s cute and clever and because they were worried you forgot Peter was a pilot. Why not cast a pilot who just happens to be a woman? And YES, I wrote “lady pilot” at first and wondered if that sounded sexist and deleted it, this is the kind of awareness this show needs to have! If Peter’s looking for his “co-pilot”, where is my LITERAL pilot? I'm jumping off my high horse now!
Madison lands a paper airplane and somehow manages not to mention her dad. There are far too many plane references. I didn’t need a mile-high club reference. Someone comes in in a set of baggage. I.. actually love that. Oh my god. Can you imagine? She came packed in a suitcase like it was no big deal and that’s something people do on the regular day!
Deandra comes in dressed as a windmill and, of course, that’s the beginning of the “four times in a windmill” references. I would rather have them talk about Colton’s virginity again! Forever!
Victoria F. is nervous as shit and can’t complete her joke and basically just wants to leave, which would be me! But I wouldn’t but I’d make America love me and want to make me The Second Black Bachelorette™️ while she freaks out because there’s another Victoria there. Wonderful!
Savannah blindfolds Peter and she looks just like Hannah, and she kisses him. We’re 30 minutes into the season, is this a record?
Kelley reveals to Peter that she didn’t want to be on the show, and running into Peter in that Hotel Lobby was a sign. Ugh, again: This kind of sap works. They dance! I don’t hate everything for once.
NOOOOOOO there is a girl named Avonlea. Help me, Lord, please.
OH MY GOD THERE IS A CHOCOLATE QUEEN NAMED NATASHA I’m back, they’ve equaled out. It’s all okay again.
Then…
Hannah Brown, a.k.a. Alabama Hannah, gets out of the limo.
I knew this was coming and I still fell on the ground. We didn't get our prerequisite "The Lead Talks with Former Leads About What To Expect" conversation, that was relegated to Peter's parents this go-around.
Basically, she’s there to give him his wings back—literally—and they hug and bye, Alabama Hannah! Surely this is the last time we’re going to see you this season.[3]
Peter does his speech to the ladies, and he’s shockingly more articulate than I remembered, but then I look back and recall Colton and the marbles he kept in his mouth for some reason and realize how low the bar has been set.
Alayah, who at some point in the season I will call Aleyah, reads her Grandma Letter with Peter. There are other dates, but I literally cannot tell half of these women apart because they all have the same hair and are all nineteen years old. Even with a chyron, I’m fucked!
We get that wonderful narrative that “my parents have been married for xx years and that means I’m going to make a great romantic partner!” Nah, listening and communication and fundamental compatibility does that, but go off! Hannah Ann makes out with Peter, the girls all freak out, and is there any difference between her and Madison? One is The Other Hannah and the other loves her dad, right? Right? There are 30 women, I can’t expect anyone to tell them all apart, which is why I’m going to make a great Bachelorette. Do I have face blindness?
Natasha has calls herself an open book, but it takes time. She gets interrupted by Mykenna—I hope she goes home early because I cannot spell her name without puking—and she won’t stop throwing paper airplanes to get his attention. Meanwhile, she’s also one of those “my grandparents were married for 81 years!” people, which—narrative.
AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. Natasha then interrupts Myk—I can’t, y’all—with a giant paper airplane, and then when Myk—literally cannot spell her name without dryheaving—and Peter are making out, she yells, “TICK TOCK.” As a petty queen, I have no choice but to stan!
Hannah Ann is being a SNAKE, meanwhile. The Other Hannah cannot stop interrupting my Queens of Color even though she already had time with Peter, including interrupting Shiann so she can just make out with Peter. When she gets confrronted about it, she’s unapologetic about it. She basically gaslights Shiann, and robot status is confirmed. She claims she’s going after what she wanted, and of course, Shiann learns quickly how this show works: Ruthlessness works. Especially the later the night goes, the more drinking you’re doing, the more desperate they want.
Kylie has a speaker, so she’s drunk and frustrated and using that to her advantage. Everyone’s drunk and frustrated and we’re not even halfway through the episode! Peter can’t remember what Victoria F. said and of course, that breaks her. She can’t get over it! I would do the same! No one wants to be unmemorable! Especially in a sea of women as basic as this!
Kelley is a lock for top 4, that’s it. Peter’s super into it. Can’t wait for them to bang. Peter goes to get that monstrous thing known as the First Impression Rose and gives it to… Hannah Ann, to which I say NO BOW TIE NO.
But that’s it—We’re heading into the rose ceremony. Thank god.
Victoria P., Madison, Kelley, Lexi, Savannah, Lauren, Tammy, Alayah, Jasmine, Sydney, Natasha, MykVOMVOM, Deandra, Sarah, Alexa, Kelsey, Payton, Kiarra, Courtney, Shiann, and Victoria F. are all recipients of the first night’s rose.
That means bye to my queen Maurissa, I love you, you were too good for this show. Also LOL BYE, two-thirds of the flight attendants are gone, and also bye to Avonlea, they can’t have two ridiculously-named blonde white women on this show. They overshot their quota.
Maurissa and Katrina get the sunrise crying elimination edit. Wonderful.
Did you know Peter is a pilot? Peter loves planes.
It’s the next morning, and we’re getting our obligatory shirtless shots. I very much appreciate that Peter isn’t like, Nick Viall ridiculous ripped. If Nick Viall took his shirt off in front of me I would scream and cover my eyes and cover his eyes because it’s too much, man!
We’re back at the house and OH MY GOD THERE’S A DATE CARD.
Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria P., Jasmine, and Victoria F. are all on the date card, which says, “Look up.”
Because Peter, who is a pilot, is flying a plane. Did you know Peter is a pilot who flies planes?
Peter’s going to… do something relating to planes on this date because he is a pilot, don’t know if you forgot. Katie Cook and Alisa Johnson, two female pilots who are far too accomplished to be on this show, are literally putting these girls through flight school. They have to do math.
If you made me do math on a first date I would begrudgingly do it because I’m actually decent at math for someone with a liberal arts degree and I like showing off, but I couldn’t tell you how many feet are in a mile. What the fuck kinda question is that? There’s some double entendres and then they make them spin around in one of those swirly balls, called a gyroscope. Victoria P. is terrified of barfing in front of Peter because of some childhood trauma related to the teacups and god, I hope she barfs. I have never hoped for someone to barf more since that one time I was really hungover.
SHE EVENTUALLY BARFS, WE HEAR IT AND WE DON’T SEE IT AND I AM SATISIFIED. Is this episode over yet?
Not even fucking close, yiiiiiikes.
The ladies put on flight suits and do an obstacle course, because that is how you find a husband. I swear to god, I’d rather watch them do math again. It comes down to Tammy and Kelley, and Kelley CHEATS, not following the path, and gets to go on a sunset flight with Peter, who is a pilot, in case you didn’t know.
At the afterparty, the girls try to confront Kelley for her cheatin’ ass ways, but she’s not having it. They’re not fans of her. Oh, and it turns out, the afterparty is at the very place where Kelley and Peter met, because circumstances are a bitch, yo! She keeps that a secret until Peter rats her out to the other women while giving her the group date rose. Oh god. There’s now a target on Kelley’s back, a well-deserved one.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Madison gets…
A DATE CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Their date is entirely inappopriate and messy, why would you ever do this? Peter brings Madison to his parents’ 31st anniversary party[4]/vow renewal[5] for their first date. NO. I DON’T WANT TO MEET YOUR PARENTS ON THE FIRST DATE. And he’s officiating, which means Madison has to sit in the audience with his family, a bunch of strangers he doesn’t know. Also, Peter got ordained for this? It’s a vow renewal, not a real wedding.
Nothing on earth makes sense. Nothing. But vows are renewed, tears are shed, and somehow, completely by coincidence, entirely happenstance, Madison manages to catch the bouquet. What a miracle. It definitely wasn’t done on purpose, no sir.
At the dinner where no one eats, Madison mentions her dad, which is probably the first of many. Is this going to be like Cassie last season? Is this another girl who relies so deeply on her paternal opinion to make any decision? Should these people really be on reality television? Anyway, Madison gets a rose and some country band no one has heard of plays to a near-empty room where they dance and then Peter’s entire family has to pretend they’re interested in this random country band. My mom would literally cackle in my face at the entire notion of doing this.
My season of The Bachelorette would be so good.
Oop, we’re back at the house, and there’s…. A DATE CARD!!!!!!!!
Lauren, Sydney, Payton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, MykVOMOM, Alayah/Aleyah and Savannah are all on the next group date.
They head out for their group date, which even Peter knows nothing about, other than it involves someone who knows him very well. Well, we, the audience, know two things about Peter: He is a pilot who fucked Hannah Brown four times in a windmill.
So of course, Hannah Brown is making a special guest apperance at this group date. OF COURSE. Also, she looks stunning and where do I get that lavender glittery dress? They dressed her so well on her season.[6]
HANNAH BEAST. Of course, she’s standing in front of a windmill on a stage, because Peter is a pilot who fucked her in a windmill four times, did you know? Hannah proceeds to tell these women about the time she fucked Peter, who is a pilot, four times, in a windmill. And the girls get to share their own awkward sexy time stories under the guise of “empowerment” and confidence… in front of a live audience.
None of the girls are happy that Alabama Hannah is there, as much as I am, because as everyone can admit, including Peter and Hannah, this is WEIRD. IT’S WEIRD. Hannah can put on a show, but when Peter comes back to talk to her, she’s upset. It’s weird and awkward and it’s hard to watch your ex-boyfriend (and yes, he was her ex-boyfriend, they DTRed) date 30 other women in front of you and you be contractually obligated to go along with it. Hannah is “mascara running” upset.
She’s upset. She thinks she fucked up by not picking Peter, and now she has to sit on the sidelines and pretend it’s all hunky dory. She questions a lot of her choices, a lot of what she’s done[7] and Peter wants to know if she ever wondered about asking him out. Or if she considered reaching out when she moved 20 minutes away from him. Or if he made the right decision.
I’m fascinated by this conversation. This is the kind of shit that goes down in texts after the show is over, not while the cameras are rolling. Peter asks her if she’d be interested in coming into the house… and wow. I mean, we’ve seen this before—Kaitlyn did it with Nick—but we’ve never seen it done with vulnerability in this manner. These are two heartbroken people. Hannah tells him she thuought was going to be Jed (barf) and Peter in the end, and then… it wasn’t. Because Tyler Cameron is hot.
Hannah admits that she didn’t reach out to Peter because he didn’t reach out to her, she didn’t think it was going to be a thing because she thought he wanted to be The Bachelor. She gave up, and she thought she was over it until she saw him in the position she was in six month prior. He’s not over it. Neither is she. He wants to be with her, he wanted it to work out. He wants her to come back on the show and see if they can make it work between them.
And that’s where we left off. Wow.
Next Week, on The Bachelor: Everyone is freaking out about Hannah. The end. See you next week!
Tonight, on Sick Sad World:
• How thrilled is Delta that they’re getting all of this free publicity in Peter, tho?
• Never getting over the lady pilot thing. I can’t.
• I will never get over Mykenna’s name and oh my god am I angry she’s likely a lock for Paradise which means I will somehow have to learn how not to projectile vomit at the mere idea of typing her name.
• #justiceformaurissa
• I’m so glad to be back, and in this format with y’all. It’s gonna be long, bumpy ride, something something plane pun.
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Someone give Kelsey Poe a Peabody! ↩
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Sorry, Brad Womack… am I wrong? ↩
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LOL HAVE YOU SEEN THE TRAILER FOR THIS SEASON ↩
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It’s very Ramona Singer to hold a vow renewal on a non-monumental anniversary. 31 years, 17 years, who cares! ↩
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Apparently they haven’t been clued into the Vicki Gunvalson Statute of 2010: If Vows Are Renewed On Reality Television, There Is Divorce Imminent. ↩
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Yes! This is a Hannah Brown stan account! Should I go back and recap her season, at least the fashion? Should I? No, because I have a job and a life and I sincerely think if I try to sit through anything involving Luke Parker again my heart will give out. ↩
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Probably not now that she won Dancing with the Stars, though. ↩
amanda mitchell’s greatest chris harrison insults, 2016-2018
Welcome to the-audacity.com, the internet’s favorite place to talk television, beauty, entertainment, and all the high-brow/low-brow nonsense we love and adore. I’m Amanda Mitchell, a writer based in Brooklyn, New York, who somehow convinced the world she was worthy of putting words on the internet (you can read my bio page for all of those things, come on.)
For the site’s inaugural posting, I figured I’d give you a little bit of the lay of the land ahead of this week’s premiere of The Bachelor, which I have the (dis)pleasure of recapping this season for you on this very website! Yes, since 2016, I have spent weeks, weeks, I tell you, recapping this abhorrent, wasteful, amazing reality television show millions of people tune into every week. I deeply regret not recapping Alabama Hannah’s season, because a) I adore her, and b) Chris Harrison, my Public Enemy Number One, was on another one the entire ass time and you all know I felt some way about it. For those of you who followed my recaps on my beloved former blog, Romance vs. Reality, you know one thing:
Chris Harrison And Amanda Mitchell Are Enemies4Lyfe And I Hate Him Except For That Brief Period Of Time Where I Decided We Could Be Best Friends And Then I Hated Him Again For Reasons I No Longer Remember.
Yes, Chris Harrison and I are in a one-sided nemesis situation that he knows nothing about, and that’s okay. I’ve gathered the best of my burns from my former blog just to give you a taste of what’s to come this season:
“Ugh, we see Chris Harrison, a trash can in a McDonald’s that for some reason smells like urine, for the first time this season. Chris Harrison is my mortal enemy. He knows what he did.”
“You know Frat Fink is garbage when Chris Harrison is a better Chris. And both of them pale in comparison to my favorite Chris, my brother.”
"The Devil Incarnate Chris Harrison arrives for a solid 30 seconds to ask the guys about how they feel about Becca. We see David without the chicken suit for the first time and god, that venture capitalist does it for me. I hate myself for it too, but he honestly looks like if Scott Wolf and Matthew Fox got together on the set of Party of Five and made a baby, and I AM ABOUT IT. David probably drinks Old Fashioned’s and wears boat shoes. My Mortal Enemy Chris Harrison talks about how serious Becca is about the entire experience, and tells them to relish in the time they get with her.
Remember, these people get, in total, around 48 hours with the person they’re going to marry if they make it that far, most of which is spent with an entire camera crew and production. I hate to say it, but Chris Harrison might be right.
Aside from a brief moment of correctness, what else does Chris Harrison have?
A DATE CARD!!!!!!!!!!"
— The Bachelorette, 2018“Becca has no idea what’s happening on the date today, only that it’s been left in Chris Harrison’s hands.
A List of Chris Harrison’s Date Ideas:
Making you into a human candle
Slaughtering babies
Going to a Speculum Museum
Creating enemies
Drinking mimosas from human skulls
This is why they haven’t let this man plan a date on this show before.
They meet Chris Harrison at what only be described as a Murder Warehouse and he’s holding a sledgehammer. In case you’re wondering what my nightmares are like, it’s this: Chris Harrison in a button-down and jacket with no tie, holding a fucking sledgehammer.”
— The Bachelorette, 2018
“We’re greeted with the first shot of The Artist Formerly Known As My Mortal Enemy, Chris Harrison. Now that I’m enemies with James Kennedy, I had to replace Chris. He was super cool about it, though. He still knows what he did, though. Trust me. He knows what he did.”
“Who was more sociopathic - Arby v. Becca, Luke v. Stassi, Bentley v. Emily, or Joe v. Juelia? Answer: Chris Harrison.”
“Oh, god, I’m back.
You’re probably wondering, “Hey, Amanda, can’t you count? There wasn’t a Bachelor In Paradise: Victim-Blaming Island Episodes one and two recap?” Hunty, I know. But did you see those episodes? I literally had to leave midway through the first one and get more alcohol to handle it. You know who should never be asked to hold a panel on sexual assault and racism? Chris Harrison. Literally. I would rather have a panel on torture wherein which I am the one being tortured by Carrot Top. I would rather be taken over by a Trump-supporting demon that gets carted around Fox News as their Token Pretty Black Girl.
Oh my god, I literally just said I would prefer to be Stacey Dash, what have I done?!“
— Bachelor In Paradise, 2018
“We’re treated to a scene of Chris Harrison, the Jesus to my Judas, talking over coffee to the guys about how great Rachel is. Even Chris Harrison is enthralled by her - he calls her beautiful and smart and funny and amazing and terrific and wonderful and fantastic and it becomes very clear that Chris Harrison is also after Rachel’s heart. See, even a trash clock can be right twice a day. Okay, none of that actually happened, but wouldn’t it have been awesome if it had? I would be much better at television than the people creating this show. But he does basically say ‘I hope all y’all have good intentions because if you break her heart I will break your neck.’”
“Satan Himself Chris Harrison appears to stoke the fire that Joelle really wants all of the other guys - and by other guys, he means Jordan - around and if she didn’t, she would have sent them home last week. He literally only exists to stir the pot. You are not a CHEF, Chris Harrison.”
See you tomorrow for The Bachelor season premiere and all of the Pilot Pete Pranks!