the bachelor, season twenty-four, episode nine: let the fanty sweetz begin!
I AM BACK AND I HAVE FEELINGS.
And all of those feelings can really be comprised as “Peter might be one of the dumbest people alive.” That’s not just because of Victoria F. and her whining sociopathy[1] but because he seems to really be a Neanderthal who thinks penis-first, brain second. I also think there’s something horrible about the concept of having 30 people hand-picked to date you and realizing none of them are The One. Nick Viall’s spoken about this before, and I really think this is what’s happened with Peter[2]. At this point, he’s just picking the people he wants to sleep with the most and considering their lives later.
The episode picks up at the end of the the last rose ceremony, where Madison in her incredibly sparkly jumpsuit[3] is struggling with the concept of Fanty Sweetz[4] because she’s a virgin. Oh my god, I am tired of hearing the word virgin on this show! We did it! They beat that horse to death last season! Madison takes Peter aside and reveals to him that if he chooses to sleep with any of the other women in the Fanty Sweetz, she’s out. It’s a nonstarter for her.
She’s not asking him to just end this all and pick her, and he correctly points out that it’s not fair to the other relationships for her to ask him to do that. This is this really horrible catch–22 for him, and I hate that I have to take his side. He’s right (for once) that sex is going to be a part of all of these relationships, and he’d like to know what that’s like with his future partner. On the other hand, I totally understand that it’s weird that you could sleep with up to 2 other people and then turn around and ask someone to marry you. That’s all weird, and the only question is this: Madison, what show did you sign up for?
We got mad at Luke P. for doing the same thing to Hannah last season—except his was far more egregious because he implied she would be a bad wife and undeserving of him if she slept with the other men, because Luke P. was such a catch and not at all an abusive maniac. But like Pam Beesly Halpert told Michael Scott about Holly Flax, “I don’t know of many happy relationships that get started on an ultimatum.”
Peter was thrown a curveball, and he doesn’t know how to handle it. He also needs a ton of external gratification, as we’ve seen this season, and the fact that he’s told Madi he’s falling in love with her and she hasn’t said it back. This is going to go well and maturely, for sure.
Either way, they’re all going to Australia, Sydney, to be exact. Do not get me started on my feelings about Australia[5] and so I’m glad they banished Peter et al there. Leave Victoria F. there, maybe she can stay with the Australian guy who held me captive in his apartment once.
But in a special act of cruelty, the women are all sharing a hotel suite in Australia. Why do the producers of this show go to such low-down, baseline bullshit tactics like this? I don’t care about their tension!!! I don’t! Peter enters the room and calls them “sheilas” and I… I want to punch him. He’s matched his shirt to his swim trunks, and gives them a pep talk about how excited he is for this week. Hannah Annah is the first of the dates, and he! Is! Ready! To! Bang! Her![6]
I have nothing to say about Peter and Hannah Annah’s date. They ride on speedboats! They sit next to the water and talk about their relationship, and I just can’t be bothered to care. They kiss as the sun sets in the water, have dinner, Chris Harrison gives them the Fanty Sweet Card, and they definitely go home to bang.
Back at the hotel, Madison is spiraling, to the worst person you can spira in front of: Victoria. Victoria, who has no idea what Madison told Peter, basically implies “Yeah, it’s important we fuck because I gotta know what that dick tastes like and I only like the dicks of men who aren’t 100% commited to me, so,” essentially planting the seeds of a future breakdown tree in Madi’s brain. It’s a “weird thought” that Peter might be staying the night with Hannah Annah and next me, right, Madison?
Victoria is insane[7].
Ugh, and now we have to listen to Victoria’s date. I’d rather be trapped listening to Jessica from Love Is Blind’s fake baby voice. Their date consists of being a plane vehicle that is not flown by Peter because he’s a Pilot who flies PLANES not a Helicopter Pilot, two very different things maybe. They celebrate not fighting while they sit in some brush next to a lake, and they make out in nature[8].
At the hotel, Madison is seriously close to spiraling, explaining to Hannah Annah that he she has high standards in their relationship, and the idea of him sleeping with someone else makes her uncomfortable, and she wouldn’t be able to continue on if he slept with other women. Hannah Annah is shook, probably because she is still smelling Peter all over her body at that very moment.
Peter is so excited to see if Victoria can get through an entire conversation without huffing, puffing, and walking her ass out. Victoria, hilariously, calls communication the biggest part of a relationship, which is hysterical considering she REFUSES TO COMMUNICATE. icky Vicky and Peter almost get into a huge fight but basically he’s like “Dude, don’t give up before giving me a chance to even try to work it out.” You know you’re a mess when even Peter’s telling you to be more mature. She accepts her Fanty Sweet card.
Madison won’t be comfortable in her relationship with Peter if he’s slept with the other two women, full stop. We know this now. It’s gonna be a mess!
The producers decide they’ve tortured Madison enough because it’s time for her date, and man, is Peter enamored with her. But they’re going to torture both of them this time, because guess what!
They’re going to climb some giant ass building to see Sydney.
Honestly, Madison, this is the reason you should leave.
I’ve been to the top of the Burj Khalifa in Dubai[9] and that was entirely inside. You know what I say to this? No. NONONONOONONONONONOONo.
But of course, the producers rely on Stockholm Syndrome to get this show to work, because Madison is now in love with Peter. Is that what I have to do to get a man to fall in love with me? Climb a building? Guess imma be single 5ever!
In the hotel suite/sorority house, Victoria found out about Madison’s virginity and what she told Peter, and she’s pissed off. She thinks it’s unfair (true) and she thinks Madison’s disgusting (ehhhhh) for holding this against Peter.
Madison, wearing another sequin dress, is so nervous for her dinner with Peter, because she knows they’ve got a lot to talk about. She’s never felt this way before. And Peter, for whatever reason, is in love with her too. But even if he is madly in love with her, that’s not enough not to be bangin’! But she’s right to say she has expectations in a partner, and she is right to be able to express those expectations…. even if that’s saying she couldn’t be in a relationship with him because he’s slept with the other women.
Here’s the thing: It’s not like she knows Peter isn’t a virgin. This is so weirdly semantic, because Peter’s entire THING was being Four Times In A Windmill Pilot Pete ahead of this show. Madison’s just like “I don’t want my boyfriend fucking other women even though I know it’s happened before,” feels so odd to me. So off-base. And Peter admits to her that yeah, he slept with the other two women this week. He won’t lie to her about that, even though it probably would come out anyway. And Madison’s willing to walk away from him because of that. She won’t be able to wrap her mind around the idea that six days before a proposal, her boyfriend slept with other women. That’s fair! But it’s not fair in the context and the bubble of this show.
Both of them suck for this. Madison goes and cries behind a glass door, where even the kangaroos and koalas are like “I mean, that sucks?” Peter stays at his table and cries. It’s all a lot of tears. Peter comes out to try to tak to her and does his signtaure “rests his forehead against hers” move, trying to get her to say something. He says “I can’t lose you,” which to me, is real Final 1 talk.
But nah, she’s donzo. She won’t feel bad for having principles and sticking to them. I don’t blame her, yet I kind of do. She didn’t explain the relgious aspect,just implied it, so she came off looking like she didn’t want Peter to sleep with the other women just because she didn’t want it. I’m not here for anyone.
Next Week: We get to see the aftermath of this whole mess! And then, the reunion show, my leeeeeeast favorite day of the year.
Tonight, on Sick Sad World:
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Yes, a big part of me doesn’t like Victoria F. because she reminds me so much of my former best friend, who was a whining sociopath who seemed to get off on my misery. But I’m not biased, the internet seems to agree with me that VF sucks. ↩
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What else would help? If half the cast wasn’t 12 years old. ↩
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I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT, my roommate is having a jumpsuit-themed leap day party this weekend and… is this available for two-day shipping and under $30 somewhere? No? Okay. ↩
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If you’re new here, “Fanty Sweetz” is my name for the “Fantasy Suites,” because it barely saves any time syllabically but man, is it fun to say. ↩
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IT SEEMS SO SCARY THERE???? There are all these animals and all of these white people and there’s that animal they claim doesn’t exist but will jump out of a tree and rip your scalp out??? And they seem really lax with their use of the n-word, sooooooo NOPE! ↩
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I've said this in texts to other people, but man, if Peter really does get his free Sex Vacation and winds up choosing Madison at the end, we will actually see the Madonna/Whore Complex at work. He is despicable. ↩
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And TBH, so are the producers, for putting Madison's Fanty Sweet date last, allowing her to spiral and unravel in an anxiety haze for three days. ↩
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Not a brag. ↩