the bachelor, season twenty-four, episode four: apparently we can all flee to the cleve
Oh, here hell come.
Basically, we start this week with Chris Harrison, the rotten toenail found under a corpse your cousin from Idaho buried after a bad ayahuasca trip. He’s there to let the ladies know it’s time to make biscuits. I hope it’s literal biscuits, not Peter, who has the personality of a bad KFC biscuit.[1]
Chris Harrison. Reveals. They’re. Going. To.
CLEVELAND.
AFKJAD;KLSFDLSKFJDS;KLFJDSKFJDASKL;FJDSAF;KDSJAFKL;DS
CLEVELAND
MY GOD, I WANT TO DIE FOR ALL OF THESE GIRLS[2]
Like, as a still-Michigan resident who has lived in New York for nearly five years, I think if they told me, a contestant on this show in this hypothetical scenario, I had to go to Ohio, I would quit. It is morally against the law for a Michigander to step foot in the state of Ohio and pretend it is anything but a deep dark hellmouth. The literal armpit of America, Hawthorne Heights is the only people who tried to pretend Ohio Is For Lovers Is a thing.
Peter has no idea that Superman landed in Kansas, not Ohio, and makes zero references to the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall Of Fame. We, here at the-audacity.com, do not even consisder the Rock Hall a viable option for anything, and will continue not to do so until they give The B–52s, Tina Turner, Gayle King, and Pat Benatar what they rightfully deserve[3]. The girls describe The Cleve as “stunning,” which… no.
They are correct about midwestern people. We are superior.
They arrive at whatever Hilton sponsored them to be there, and there’s… A DATE CARD!!!!!!!
It’s for Victoria F, who gets a reminder that Peter is a pilot, in case you forgot. They didn’t show him fly to Cleveland, so I don’t know if he’s really a pilot or not. We’re gonna find out. Mykbarfbarf is having a temper tantrum about not being seen by Peter, which means she will have a meltdown at some point!
The car carrying Victoria drops her off on an airport, because PETER IS A PILOT DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW. Victoria immediately freaks out that they’re going skydiving, but instead, Peter’s going to show he’s a pilot because they’re not sure if the audience knows. THey go to the only cool part of Ohio, Cedar Point, a place I have only been once in the eighth grade, and I hope their date is jumping off the Millennium Force.
I would be so mad to be on this date. It’s clearly raining, and I don’t want to be on a fucking rollercoaster with the rain whipping me in the face. They toast to “hot moms and successful dads,” which, Victoria, why? Peter wants four kids so they can all be equal and have accompaniment on rollercoasters, the highest standard to which you should decide if you should have children. They have a private Chase Rice concert!
I have no idea who Chase Rice is, but they assume we should, because guess what: Victoria does. It’s also not private, as there’s a huge audience there with cameras and phones to capture every moment. OH WAIT, CHASE RICE IS THERE. Chase Rice, Victoria’s ex-boyfriend, is the anonymous country singer this week, except he’s not an anonymous country singer! Victoria knows THE WORDS to his mystery country song![^4][^4]
Peter and Chase Rice chat, it’s not gonna be mentioned until much, much later. Victoria’s mortified, and Chase Rice has NO IDEA[4]. Victoria is so weird and awkward and Chase Rice DGAF. Victoria doesn’t want to make Peter sad that she’s been on a date with a guy in the past and that guy happened to be there? This is a nothingburger! This is such a nonstarter, whatever. Victoria’s annoying. [5]: I can’t imagine Chase Rice being just called “Chase.”
Back at the house, literally every single girl except Kelsey is on the…
DATE CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s gonna be. A battle. To the death.
Anyway, Victoria tells Peter, who we learn is literally a doofus because he kept saying “Chase Rice? Like, Chase Rice from today? The Chase Rice? Asechay Iceray? Chase Rice who performed for us today?” And Victoria spirals because she… doesn’t want him to think she lied? She doesn’t want him to lose hope because she has an ex-boyfriend? She gets the rose, and my eyes are down the street.
Peter shows up to some sports arena and the girls are going to literally play football. Blah blah blah, there’s a lazy joke to be made here about how they’re going to induce CTE in order to mentally get these girls on the same level as Peter, but that’s just too easy and really, insensitive. They’re going to play football for time with Peter, and I’m just thrilled they haven’t dragged Fred Willard out again for color commenary, and rather two people I have never seen before and can only assume probably are affiliated to ABC/ESPN/Disney in some way[6]. Or they could be random infuencers, this show exists on another plane and dimension.
The game, of course, ends in a tie, which means all thirteen women are going to the after-after-after-after party. They’re coming up with game plans because they all know they’re competing to the death, aka what I imagine a life with Peter would be like. At the after-after-after-after party, Victoria P., who already had a ton of one-on-one time with Peter due to her abstaining from football due to a back problem, is the first to take Peter aside, and the girls are openly pissed. Namely Shiann, who busted her ass on the football field and was named MVP, and thinks she should have at least gotten some time with Peter.
When she does get time with him, she talks about how she’s feeling pushed aside and wants him to know that Shiann is there for Peter, and Peter only. Note: some of the girls haven’t talked to Peter in two cocktail parties, due to drama, and now this is their chance. But WAIT, NOPE.
Alayah is there. Some producer flew her ass out to Cleveland for the drama of it all, and she’s there to fuck shit up. She interrupts Peter and Shiann, and her motion to interrupt a Black woman makes me want to tear her eyes out. Again, didn’t like her last week, don’t like this bullshit this week. Alayah tells Peter she didn’t get a chance to defend herself, so she’s there to stand up for herself. Basically, Victoria P. lied to Peter about their friendship, she has nothing to gain from lying to him. Peter’s confused, which seems to be a standard emotion from him, and Victoria P. is about to get confronted with some brand new information. The girls reveal that maybe Victoria P. is the fake one—she was holding hands with Alayah during the rose ceremony while also trashing her behind her back.
Everyone is confused, and I’m bored, really. I can’t be bothered to care.
Peter, Victoria, and Alayah all sit down together and no one can come to terms on the straight story. Victoria didn’t know what else to say to Peter when confronted about their relationship, and she can’t flat out say “I lied,” because, well, that wouldn’t look good. Alayah just didn’t want other people involved in her relationship with Peter, and guess what? He asks her if she wants to come back.[7] She’s coming back, and SHE STILL HAS SHIT TO STIR UP.
Alayah, of all people, gets the group date rose. Fuck you, Peter. God. This is gonna be the week all of the WOC get cut in one giant fell swoop, right? I don’t trust him. A ton of the girls are mad. Natasha’s pissed, Mykenna’s pissed, and Alayah’s there to stir shit up. She’s the one to reveal to the girls that Victoria and Chase Rice had dated in the past, because she got her phone back and she got to see the internet while she was gone, so she knows all the tea[8].
The girls are mad at Alayah, but they’re just as angry with Peter for letting her come back.
It’s time for Kelsey’s date with Peter, and he’s ready to explore Cleveland with her. He also doesn’t have a proper jacket on, and this definitely has to be November. In Cleveland. Kelsey takes the news Alayah’s returning like, “okay bitch, explore, I’m fine with that, because I want you to pick me and be confident in that at the end.” They happen on a polka dance, and Peter is apparently passionate about polka. Peter The Pilot Plays Polka. Pitiful.
There is literally so little to do in Cleveland they’re not even showing us the names of the places they’re eating ice cream. Apparently, Cleveland is super into… soapbox racing, a thing I thought Frankie Muniz made up[9]. This feels like one of those “Everyone in Cleveland does it!” things that no one actually really does.
Kelsey found out that her dad was leaving her mom before her mom found out, and didn’t see her dad for 12 years, and Peter cries because, of course. Peter asks Kelsey if her parents divorce affects they way she views relationships, and of course it fucking does. As the proud child of parents who I begged to get divorced, every single relationship I have is rooted in the foundation of that. Shut up, Peter. Go to SHUT UP MOUNTAIN.
Kelsey gets the rose.
Alayah told all the girls in the house that Chase Rice was on the date with Victoria, and Victoria is fuckin’ pissed. It is nasty for Alayah to literally get access to the rest of the world and then come back and taint the entire environment with your knowledge. That’s not yours to tell, Alayah. Meanwhile, Victoria’s the complete opposite of the sobbing shell we’d seen the day prior, going to Alayah to tell her she fucked up and she’s going to make sure Peter knows. The other women are upset with Peter for giving Alayah the group date rose she didn’t earn.
At the cocktail party, Deandra immediately calls out Peter for disrespecting the women who got literally bruised and beat up at the football game and daring to hold Alayah’s hand and come in and give her the rose. They’re right, I’m glad this is the first interaction we’ve ever seen her have with Peter. Because what he did was upsetting and fucked up. He apologizes, says he was influenced, he didn’t mean it. He goes to take Victoria P. aside, and she’s upset and confused that he threw her under the bus. He didn’t want her to get in the middle, but he had no problem with putting her there.
The girls all pounce on Alayah for claiming she’s here for Peter, when the first thing she even said to Peter was “I’m here to clear my name and the things that were said about me.” Peter’s one of those dudes who keeps making the wrong choices over, and over, and over again, and he literally cannot see how his actions have consequences. All of the girls are taking Peter to TASK for not treating them equally, by not even trying to get to know them. Sydney even says “you don’t know anything about me,” and it’s all confusing. There’s so much that’s being left out, and Peter’s confused, because he fucked up.
To be continued…
Next week, on The Bachelor: Peter’s making out with erveryone. There’s a lot of tears. Who made my girl Tammy cry? And finally, we see Peter hit his face like the dummy he is.
Tonight, on Sick Sad World:
- My god, Peter CANNOT dance.
- I literally had a screaming fit about how much I hate Peter. This dude sucks. He sucks so hard.
- Victoria P. has my least favorite style of all the girls. She somehow looks 25 and 45.
- I really, really, really need the drama to step itself up this season. I’m so bored.
- Loved Victoria F’s tantrum where she's like "I WANT TO TALK TO HIM LET ME TALK TO HIM" and then she promptly runs away because she, in fact, cannot talk to him.
- My dislike for Peter went from palatable to blatant. I don’t think I’ve hated a Bachelor this much in years, simply because I don’t. Get it. I don’t understand what his appeal should be. I don’t get it. He’s so boring. His personality is avoidant, he’s a commitment phobe, he constantly rewards bad behavior — ugh.
- Alayah is a straight up sociopath, more than Hannah Annah. That smug smirk constantly on her face, the raised eyebrow…
- That Hawthorne Heights reference is for like, two people.
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I blame my mom for making me a biscuit snob. POPEYES FOR LIFE ↩
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Like, they’re not even capable of pretending they’re excited to flee to the Cleve. I miss you, 30 Rock. ↩
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None of these people are in the Rock Hall. Can you believe that? Like, Green Day is in the Rock Hall, and Tina Turner is not. Even Billie Joe Armstrong can see that’s incorrect…. not sure if Tre Cool can, though. Will revisit. ↩
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Peter, however, does not. He does that thing where you mouth syllabic sounds in the guise of looking like you know the words. Peter knows nothing, and we know nothing about him except he's a pilot who married his parents. ↩
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I can't imagine Chase Rice being just called "Chase." That's like calling Regina King "Regina," you just don't do it. It's against the rules. ↩
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Let’s be real, there are so many people they couldn’t pay to go to Cleveland. I am one of them. Two things I won’t do: Go to The Cleve and fly Spirit Airlines. ↩
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Has anyone notified the poor employees at the Hilton Downtown Cleveland Center they need to make a new bed? ↩
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Alayah is totally a white girl who wants to use AAVE. ↩
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Everyone knows Frankie Muniz has no memory of Malcolm in the Middle after his stroke, but what about Miracle in Lane 2? ↩