the bachelor, season twenty-four, episode three: the flu didn’t kill me but this episode nearly did
Hello, I’m back from the dead.
After being punched in the face with what I can only describe as “a brain-burning flu,” I revived myself to recap this monstrous season of The Bachelor, where every contestant seems to be competing to see who can be the most unlikeable, and Peter literally cannot pretend he has a single fuck left to give in his entire body, mind, and soul. Like, I’ve never seen someone so clearly going through the motions, or even worse, not giving a fuck about what you have to say so much they’d rather just make out with you or get to know you. We’re three episodes in, and even #ChampagneGate isn’t the enthralling, drama-filled storyline we want or need. I can barely tell any of these 24-year-olds apart, let alone when one of them is splashed in the face with champagne![1] By all accounts, Hannah Annah is a sociopath, Kelsey is annoying, and we’re gonna all pettifog up and down this series about the word “bully”.
Anyway, we’re back at the mansion, and Kelsey is still butthurt AF about what happened. So is Hannah Annah. My queen Alexa has to sit through Hannah Annah’s tears, while Victoria P. has packed her bag, used a bronzer that’s basically all pan as eyeshadow, and Pilot Peter, who is a Pilot, is going to take her on yet another massively inappropriate date around his hometown. Which is Los Angeles. Not a big stretch.
They try on cowboy boots, and what? What do we know about Peter, other than the fact that maybe he might be a pilot, that assumes he has the personality of a person who wears cowboy boots? Men in cowboy boots are not to be trusted.[2] But of course, he teaches her to “dance” and takes to what has to be the only country line dancing bar in all of California.
To no one’s surprise, Peter cannot dance. Add that to the short list of things we know about him.
They make out afer some entirely banal conversation, and he claims it’s “comfortable and natural,” which… I mean. I guess. I just think Peter’s horny, honestly!!!!!! He’s the kind of dude who latches on early and quickly.
Back at the mansion, Kelsey and Hannah Annah agree to disagree about Kelsey lashing out on Hannah Annah. Hannah Annah claims she’s not a champagne stealer, Kelsey claims she doesn’t even like champagne that much, they’re both annoying. Hannah Annah has that magical skill of white women of being able to cry whenever they feel victimized for fucking u–
What was that?
Hannah Annah, what did you just say?
Finasco?
What in the fucking fuck is a finasco?
JUST SAY “ISSUE”.
Whenever they have the Dinner Where They Don’t Eat Dinner, Victoria P. reveals that man, yes, she had a HARD AS FUCK life with a mom who was addicted to drugs and she had to overcome a lot. Oh, and their date is in an airplane hangar, because did you know Peter is a pilot who flies planes? If you don’t know, now you know!
While Alayah freaks out about wanting to join the Mile High Club, the girls have decided they. do. not. liek. her.
Cierra, Sarah, Tammy, Kelly, Shiann, Savannah, Sydney, and Alayah are all on the…. DATE CARD!!!!!!!!
Alayah immediately asks one of the girls, “how do you feel about not getting a date?” Alayah is one of those girls who loves the sound of her own voice and doesn’t care who knows.
Oh. Demi’s here.
Are we expected to care? Why do the producers of Bachelor Nation keep siccing her on us? Isn’t it enough she frauded a bunch of people for attention and clout on Bachelor in Paradise? She claims she’s close friends with Peter, which we… have never seen. But they come in and attack the girls with pillows, and the girls on the group date have to change into their outfits, and there’s silk–
Kiarra.
Kiarra, what… what did you say?
Is that…
“Lingery?”
Like, linger-y?
Is that how “lingerie” is pronounced by these young people today? JUST CALL THEM PAJAMAS. [3]
Savannah, who we have never seen in this show, is given a muumuu. In the van on the way, Peter asks if those are really their pajamas, which, we have another thing we know about Peter, now. He’s a dummy.
They walk up, and because this show is somehow for the male gaze while being watched predominantely by women, Demi instructs the girls that they’re going to be having a pillow fight in lingerie. I blacked out. They dragged Fred Willard out yet again for color commentary, and the star of A Mighty Wind deserves way more than to have to sit next to an infected smelly boil, aka, Chris Harrison.
It comes down to Alayah and Sydney, the rivalry they set forth not evn five minutes again. Aleyah sits on Sydney in the end, making her the champion, and Sydney is salty. Saaaaaalllllty. She big mad that she things Alayah is calculated, orchestrated, she’s a pageant queen. Much like Caelynn and her phoniness last year, Alayah rubs people th wrong way because she’s doing what she things is right. Including her time with Peter: She immediately runs to “I just want to be vuuuuulllllnuerable with you,” because that’s what you do in this scenario.
Meanwhile, Sydney tries to throw shade to Alayah by asking her, “Oh hey, like, do you have a job?” If you’re asking someone if they have a job, them’s fightin’ words. She asks if she’s had a hard time breaking out of her pageant mold, and Alayah owns up to that — yep, she does, and she’s aware of it. And Sydney of course, takes that as “oh, so you’re making sure you’re showing Peter you’re like, a real person, right?”
The music cue here deserves an Emmy. It went from nonchalant to ominious swiftly.
Of course, Sydney runs to tattle to Peter, and basically claims that some people are different when the cameras are up and the cameras are down. Peter’s biggest fear is falling for someone who has the wrong intentions like Hannah did[4]. Peter comes to talk to all the girls, and he mentions that he’s afraid of being blindsided or that he’s being bamboozled. So he throws Sydney under the bus and flat out asks her to name names in front of everyone about who she was talking about.
OH MY GOD. The mess! The messy! The catastrophe!
Sydney is flat out like yep, Alayah, I was talking about you, and Alayah does the really mature adult thing and is like “well, does everyone feel this way about me?” as if anyone is going to take the time to stand up and be like, “Yeah, you know what, I agree! Yucko!” Peter literally lit the match, threw the gasoline down, and walked away.
Alayah doesn’t deny Sydney’s assessment of her, but she’s upset that Sydney called it out, to Peter directly. Alayah tries to smooth things over, but it’s kind of a non-starter. Sydney, and her honesty, get the group date rose.
The mansion is overcome with a puff of black smoke, and Chris Harrison, my Nemesis, appears. Guess what? They’re going to have a pool party! No big deal! Peter comes into the mansion and reveals to the girls that he has the Big D: Doubt. He’s not feeling confident, he needs answers, and he immediately grabs Sydney to talk.
Sydney is surprisingly adept and smart—she basically tells him to listen, something that Peter definitely struggles with. She wants him to look past the pretty face and the sweet voice and really listen to what she’s saying and not just the fact that she seems one type of way. Alayah is on a rampage to claim that she’s not the way Sydney claims she is, she’s asked every girl in the house and they all said she wasn’t.
CUT TO: Kelsey prefacing a sentence, “I love Alayah, but–”. I love the editors of this show so much. Kelsey says Alayah knows how to turn it on and off, but that’s on Peter to discover, not to be told.
Alayah, again, talking to the girls about how she’s only here for Peter, and the only person whos opinion she cares about is Peter’s.
CUT TO: Natasha talking to Peter that Alayah is aware of the cameras.
Alayah’s not going to apologize for being a pageant girl.
CUT TO: Another girl, a redhead, talking to Peter about how she’s not a fan of Alayah, and how as soon as the cameras go up, her voice raises five octaves.
Alayah’s talking about how her best friend makes a spicy margarita, someone comes over and she says “Hiiiiiii!”
I love this show.
But again, we’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: Getting caught up in someone else’s intentions can always be a kiss of death on this show. Sydney, you might have successfully got the girls to open up about Alayah, but now you’re a snitch.
Peter is fuckng obsessed with Madison, who is obsessed with her dad, and we haven’t heard about him yet thiis episode! I’m shocked she’s breathing!
Alayah takes Peter aside and they talk, Peter reveals his fear about falling for someone who isn’t who they say they are, and she’s using all the right words. She’s like, “I’m a horrible liar, I’m falling for you, I’m so interested in you,” it’s barf. Barf, barf, barf. But Peter buys it—hook, line, sinker.[5] He’s attracted to her, he’s into her, he believes her… somewhat.
Not so much he can’t bring it up to Victoria P., who knew Alayah from the pageant world. They’d known each other for maybe, three hours together, during Miss USA, but Alayah asked Victoria to lie to production and to Peter about them knowing each other.
OOP.
And she was open to the “opportunities” after this, even if Peter isn’t her husband.
I MEAN, HONESTLY, WHY ARE WE STILL GETTING MAD AT THESE GIRLS FOR GOING ON THIS SHOW TO WANT TO DO SPON-CON? At least they’re not joining multi-level marketing schemes, right? I got a literal ad with My Nemesis Chris Harrison and Ben Oatmeal Higgins for a game on my phone the other day. I highly doubt Oatmeal went onto this show to get paid the big bucks annoying people in an iPhone game ad. But either way, it’s Not The Right Reasons, which is the main reason to go on this show.
Peter, however, is not a happy camper. He’s not trying to show Alayah under the bus, but he flat out uses the word manipulative to describe Alayah to her FACE. Alayah’s face goes blank when Peter brings up her asking Victoria not to tell the producers they knew each other, and all she can do is:
blink.
blink blink.
I cackle. She comes up with the flimsy excuse that she thought them knowing each other would cancel the other out and get them both disqualified, which, I mean, Alayah. One-third of Colton’s season was about the relationship between Caelynn and Alabama Hannah prior to the show, we’ve had literal twins compete multiple times. I mean, Kelley is literally sitting right there! Come on, girl, this is so shameful and sad. Peter doesn’t buy it, because we may know that he’s a dummy, but he’s not stupid.
Alayah knows she done fucked up, and all the girls are watching while she flips out. Peter dips out, he went the fuck home. He straight up Irish exited[6].
Meanwhile, Mykbarfbarf reminds us that she exists by crying that eight of the women didn’t get time with Peter that night. It’s fine, I don’t think you’re missing that much.
The rose ceremony starts.
Kelsey, Hannah Annah, Natasha, Lexi (the who of the season), Madison, Shiann, Kelley, Kiarra, Tammy, Savannah, and Deandra all get roses.
Peter’s freaking out, and he walks away with two roses left on the table. He’s so confused, and it’s literally all coming down to Alayah. He wants to give her the rose, but he doesn’t want to regret this. He comes back, apologizes, and then Chris Harrison takes away a rose from the table.
I fell out. I actually hollered. I didn’t expect Peter to have this much chutzpah! Is that a new thing we learned about him? He has chutzpah?
Mykenn—god, I can’t do it, y’all—gets the final rose after the producers put her through literal mental anguish.
That means bye to Jasmine, my queen Alexa, Alayah[7], and Sarah, who doesn’t even get an on-camera goodbye from Peter, what?
We see Peter talking to a producer about how bad he feels letting Alayah going home. He doesn’t know why he did it in the first place, he just listened to the other girls and not what he wanted. He’s not sure if that was the right move to make.
CUT TO: The other girls wanting the drama to be over and being thrilled she’s gone.
Oop!
Next Week, on The Bachelor: We’re… in… Cleveland? Is this an episode of 30 Rock? Victoria F. has a one-on-one with Peter with her ex-boyfriend, Chase Rice, as the performer, oh god. I LOVE THE PRODUCERS OF THIS SHOW. Oh, and Alayah’s back for vengeance, an all the girls are rebelling. See you next week!
Tonight, on Sick Sad World:
• Can we get more chyrons for these girls? Still can’t tell any of these women apart.
• Fred Willard is 80 years old.
• Can Hannah Annah not use the suffix “-ing?” She sounds like Lydia from the Real Housewives of Melbourne, who ended everything with “-ink.”
• Also, I think the reason I don’t like Hannah Annah is because she reminds me so much of one of my least favorite reality tv contestants who gave us one of my favorite reality tv moments, Cassandra “Mia Farrow In Rosemary’s Baby” Whitehead from season 5 of America’s Next Top Model. That girl famously described herself a sociopath who hasn’t killed anyone.
• The only women on this season I can stand are the Black women and the WOC. Kiarra, Natasha and Tammy give me everything.
• I can’t spell Deandra’s name. D’Andra Simmons from Real Housewives of Dallas has ruined that name for me.
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I will, however, admit to laughing at that GIF of Kelsey many, many times last week. I may have had the flu, but I still had a sense of humor! ↩
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Examples? The Rich Texan from The Simpsons, the entire cast of Dallas, my dad… ↩
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FUCK YOU, JED. FUCK YOU SO MUCH. ↩
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This is the most I’ve referenced sports in a recap in a long time! ↩
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Irish Exit (v.): leaving quietly out the side door of a party or bar without saying goodbye to anyone, most likely because you're too drunk to stay there. ↩
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Who gets a brutal exit, wondering if that rose Chris Harrison took away was for her, and we, the audience, know that. Oh my god. I love the editors of this show. I would die for them. ↩
