the bachelor, season twenty-four, episode one: where my lady pilots @?
The only reason my hopes are high for the Pilot Pete Prank Show this season (a.k.a, The Bachelor) is because I have a personal rule: The more boring the Bachelor, the more insane the season. Ben Higgins? Chris Soules? Those boring ass dudes gave us some of the most entertaining television of the last decade[1] and yet no one cares because those dudes were boring AF. But here we are, yet again: With a boring man as the lead, bound to get some true obnoxious shenanigans out of it.
For those of you who don’t know me… how did you get here? Just kidding, welcome to the-audacity.com, I’m Amanda Mitchell, your resident voice for all things Bachelor related. Nearly four years into doing this and it doesn’t get any easier, but I still love this garbage show with every part of what exists of my soul.
But who at ABC do I need to sue to punish for making this premiere three hours long? Go to jail. Go to prison! Go out of business, mega-congolomorate, ABC, for thinking this was a good idea. No one needed or asked for this. I’m not even kidding. You know this is true.
Our season begins with an omnious conversation between Chris Harrison and Pilot Pete finding out something they didn’t know before. They’re doing the Real Housewives thing where they start at the end and go back to the beginning because for some reason, in recent years, it’s become a big part of the reality tv canon. You know who’s to blame for this? The grandmother of reality TV herself, Tyra Fucking Banks. Trust me. I’m allowed to make blanket statements like that because I’ve earned the right.
Did you know Pete is a pilot? I’m sure ABC will remind you over and over again because their last pilot Bachelor turned out to be dudsville[2]. We get a wonderful package of Pete falling in love with Alabama Hannah, and him being heartbroken. Blah, blah, blah, season after season, we get it. But we’re supposed to forget that we could have had our First Black Bachelor in Mike Johnson by the fun reminder that Pete, despite white-passing, is Cuban! Diversity! This show isn’t just made for and by white people, they promise!
For some reason, they pretend Chris Harrison, a putrid zit on the underside of a scrotum, can drive a car or even cares about Peter, and he “drives” “Peter” to the “airport”. Why aren’t his parents doing this? What is the logic here? Why am I trying to find logic in a hopeless place? Rihanna found love there, but there is no logic to be found.
We see Peter putting on his tuxedo, inclduing his fucking bow tie, because this show clearly wants me to roast him just like Jon Stewart roasted Tucker Carlson for wearing a bow tie. Peter is my Tucker Carlson.
I don’t want to dislike the man this much—I don’t even think I hated Colton this palatably, and I wrote a whole piece calling him dangerous for women’s perspectives—but he’s just… there. Imagine getting a job because you’re just around and you’re not going to rock the boat. I would never want to be the safe bet, but apparently Peter does, and who am I to knock that? He’s making six figures as the lead on an hit ABC television series and I’m… writing about it for free on the internet.
Regardless, it’s time to get into our cast preview and see which young, blonde, white women we’ll pretend are interested in Peter this year!
Wait.
I have been… bamboozled. I am shook. Kill me with a fire, here we are: WE HAVE A BROWN SKIN WOMAN WITH CURLY HAIR AS OUR FIRST LADYESTANT THIS SEASON, WHAT?????????????????????????????????????????
I quit. This show continues to shake my soul to it’s very core. That curl pattern. That hair. Oh my god. How…. How dare you, ABC. Alexa lives in Chicago and is an esthetician, which means I love her. Please remove hair from my body. I trust her with my entire soul, which is something I probably will come to regret in a few weeks.
Don’t do this to the natural girls, ABC. Just don’t. We trust you… this time.
Next up is Hannah Ann from Knoxville, who is… a model. And she’s fucking gorgeous. I can’t handle you, Hannah Ann. I’m calling top two on Hannah Ann, solely because…. she’s a dark-haired Alabama Hannah. Someone please layer their faces on top of each other? She's giving me robot vibes, and that frightens me.
Tammy from Syracuse is a wrestler and a real estate agent, which…God, I feel like I’m watching someone’s Tinder profile. Which, I suppose these openers are, right?
Victoria P. is this season’s nurse! Her dad’s not alive! Her mom is a drug addict! I hate to say it, but this narrative… does not bode well for Victoria P. If they need to give you the sympathy narrative in the opener, you likely fuck up over the course of the season. But who knows?
Kelley works alongside her entire family and OH MY GOD DOES EVERYONE HAVE THE COSMO FROM DRYBAR THIS SEASON? Something something, she ran into Peter in a lobby and thinks it’s a sign.
Madison from Alabama is a basketball plater and is super, super, super close with her dad. Oh no. That’s not the last we’re going to see this!!!!!
MAURISSA. OH MY GOD. WHO ARE ARE YOU, MY BLACK GODDESS? I have never loved someone so much in my life, if Peter gives up on her, I will find him. Her whole narrative is about her pageant career, diet problems, and how she got healthy again. My sweet darling baby angel, I wish you all the luck in the world.
Oh, by the way: I will irrationally stan any Black woman on this show. If ya racist, how the hell did you get here? Have you seen this blog? Have you read it? Why— how— I just.
Ugh we’re back with Bow Tie and his Bow Tie being all Bow Tie and chatting with a man who likely thinks Justin Timberlake’s career wasn’t founded on putting down women, Chris Harrison, who calls Peter’s tuxedo “sharp”, as if he’s not wearing a fuuuuuuucking bow tie that makes him look like Richie Rich!
The introductions every season are my favorite part; they’re the equivalent of the America’s Next Top Model makeovers. First out is Alayah, who comes in wearing a stunning grey gown and gives Peter a letter from her Grandma Rose, which… is the kind of sappy bullshit I can stand. Whenever I become The Second Black Bachelorette, I command contestants lean into sap over schtick. It is written, it is law.
Alabama Sydney comes in and throws shade to Alabama Hannah, which I, personally, don’t appreciate. How dare. Hannah Ann comes in and of course, references Alabama Hannah, and y’all: Keep. My. Girl’s. Name. Outcha. Mouf.
I was too busy laughing at that next joke to get the next girl but og my god the Black women they cast on this season. I love Lauren and her ponytail and her sparkly black jumpsuit and I am in LOVE???????? Marry me!
Victoria P. comes in and they Happy Dance, and I don’t trust her, I can’t help it, I don’t know what’s happening there. Too many people are liking this—
there is a girl.
named
bDSAJFDS;KLFD
WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THIS SHOW???????
I missed my queen Maurissa’s introduction because I went into a blackout rage for a quick second there, but man, they are breezing through these intros. So many of these girls have hair that is too long, so many girls have the same hair, help. Eunice the flight attendant comes in wearing wings, which is likely going o be the first of many, many flight attendants.
And guess what? I’m right. They introduce three flight attendants in total, because this show thinks it’s cute and clever and because they were worried you forgot Peter was a pilot. Why not cast a pilot who just happens to be a woman? And YES, I wrote “lady pilot” at first and wondered if that sounded sexist and deleted it, this is the kind of awareness this show needs to have! If Peter’s looking for his “co-pilot”, where is my LITERAL pilot? I'm jumping off my high horse now!
Madison lands a paper airplane and somehow manages not to mention her dad. There are far too many plane references. I didn’t need a mile-high club reference. Someone comes in in a set of baggage. I.. actually love that. Oh my god. Can you imagine? She came packed in a suitcase like it was no big deal and that’s something people do on the regular day!
Deandra comes in dressed as a windmill and, of course, that’s the beginning of the “four times in a windmill” references. I would rather have them talk about Colton’s virginity again! Forever!
Victoria F. is nervous as shit and can’t complete her joke and basically just wants to leave, which would be me! But I wouldn’t but I’d make America love me and want to make me The Second Black Bachelorette™️ while she freaks out because there’s another Victoria there. Wonderful!
Savannah blindfolds Peter and she looks just like Hannah, and she kisses him. We’re 30 minutes into the season, is this a record?
Kelley reveals to Peter that she didn’t want to be on the show, and running into Peter in that Hotel Lobby was a sign. Ugh, again: This kind of sap works. They dance! I don’t hate everything for once.
NOOOOOOO there is a girl named Avonlea. Help me, Lord, please.
OH MY GOD THERE IS A CHOCOLATE QUEEN NAMED NATASHA I’m back, they’ve equaled out. It’s all okay again.
Then…
Hannah Brown, a.k.a. Alabama Hannah, gets out of the limo.
I knew this was coming and I still fell on the ground. We didn't get our prerequisite "The Lead Talks with Former Leads About What To Expect" conversation, that was relegated to Peter's parents this go-around.
Basically, she’s there to give him his wings back—literally—and they hug and bye, Alabama Hannah! Surely this is the last time we’re going to see you this season.[3]
Peter does his speech to the ladies, and he’s shockingly more articulate than I remembered, but then I look back and recall Colton and the marbles he kept in his mouth for some reason and realize how low the bar has been set.
Alayah, who at some point in the season I will call Aleyah, reads her Grandma Letter with Peter. There are other dates, but I literally cannot tell half of these women apart because they all have the same hair and are all nineteen years old. Even with a chyron, I’m fucked!
We get that wonderful narrative that “my parents have been married for xx years and that means I’m going to make a great romantic partner!” Nah, listening and communication and fundamental compatibility does that, but go off! Hannah Ann makes out with Peter, the girls all freak out, and is there any difference between her and Madison? One is The Other Hannah and the other loves her dad, right? Right? There are 30 women, I can’t expect anyone to tell them all apart, which is why I’m going to make a great Bachelorette. Do I have face blindness?
Natasha has calls herself an open book, but it takes time. She gets interrupted by Mykenna—I hope she goes home early because I cannot spell her name without puking—and she won’t stop throwing paper airplanes to get his attention. Meanwhile, she’s also one of those “my grandparents were married for 81 years!” people, which—narrative.
AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. Natasha then interrupts Myk—I can’t, y’all—with a giant paper airplane, and then when Myk—literally cannot spell her name without dryheaving—and Peter are making out, she yells, “TICK TOCK.” As a petty queen, I have no choice but to stan!
Hannah Ann is being a SNAKE, meanwhile. The Other Hannah cannot stop interrupting my Queens of Color even though she already had time with Peter, including interrupting Shiann so she can just make out with Peter. When she gets confrronted about it, she’s unapologetic about it. She basically gaslights Shiann, and robot status is confirmed. She claims she’s going after what she wanted, and of course, Shiann learns quickly how this show works: Ruthlessness works. Especially the later the night goes, the more drinking you’re doing, the more desperate they want.
Kylie has a speaker, so she’s drunk and frustrated and using that to her advantage. Everyone’s drunk and frustrated and we’re not even halfway through the episode! Peter can’t remember what Victoria F. said and of course, that breaks her. She can’t get over it! I would do the same! No one wants to be unmemorable! Especially in a sea of women as basic as this!
Kelley is a lock for top 4, that’s it. Peter’s super into it. Can’t wait for them to bang. Peter goes to get that monstrous thing known as the First Impression Rose and gives it to… Hannah Ann, to which I say NO BOW TIE NO.
But that’s it—We’re heading into the rose ceremony. Thank god.
Victoria P., Madison, Kelley, Lexi, Savannah, Lauren, Tammy, Alayah, Jasmine, Sydney, Natasha, MykVOMVOM, Deandra, Sarah, Alexa, Kelsey, Payton, Kiarra, Courtney, Shiann, and Victoria F. are all recipients of the first night’s rose.
That means bye to my queen Maurissa, I love you, you were too good for this show. Also LOL BYE, two-thirds of the flight attendants are gone, and also bye to Avonlea, they can’t have two ridiculously-named blonde white women on this show. They overshot their quota.
Maurissa and Katrina get the sunrise crying elimination edit. Wonderful.
Did you know Peter is a pilot? Peter loves planes.
It’s the next morning, and we’re getting our obligatory shirtless shots. I very much appreciate that Peter isn’t like, Nick Viall ridiculous ripped. If Nick Viall took his shirt off in front of me I would scream and cover my eyes and cover his eyes because it’s too much, man!
We’re back at the house and OH MY GOD THERE’S A DATE CARD.
Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria P., Jasmine, and Victoria F. are all on the date card, which says, “Look up.”
Because Peter, who is a pilot, is flying a plane. Did you know Peter is a pilot who flies planes?
Peter’s going to… do something relating to planes on this date because he is a pilot, don’t know if you forgot. Katie Cook and Alisa Johnson, two female pilots who are far too accomplished to be on this show, are literally putting these girls through flight school. They have to do math.
If you made me do math on a first date I would begrudgingly do it because I’m actually decent at math for someone with a liberal arts degree and I like showing off, but I couldn’t tell you how many feet are in a mile. What the fuck kinda question is that? There’s some double entendres and then they make them spin around in one of those swirly balls, called a gyroscope. Victoria P. is terrified of barfing in front of Peter because of some childhood trauma related to the teacups and god, I hope she barfs. I have never hoped for someone to barf more since that one time I was really hungover.
SHE EVENTUALLY BARFS, WE HEAR IT AND WE DON’T SEE IT AND I AM SATISIFIED. Is this episode over yet?
Not even fucking close, yiiiiiikes.
The ladies put on flight suits and do an obstacle course, because that is how you find a husband. I swear to god, I’d rather watch them do math again. It comes down to Tammy and Kelley, and Kelley CHEATS, not following the path, and gets to go on a sunset flight with Peter, who is a pilot, in case you didn’t know.
At the afterparty, the girls try to confront Kelley for her cheatin’ ass ways, but she’s not having it. They’re not fans of her. Oh, and it turns out, the afterparty is at the very place where Kelley and Peter met, because circumstances are a bitch, yo! She keeps that a secret until Peter rats her out to the other women while giving her the group date rose. Oh god. There’s now a target on Kelley’s back, a well-deserved one.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Madison gets…
A DATE CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Their date is entirely inappopriate and messy, why would you ever do this? Peter brings Madison to his parents’ 31st anniversary party[4]/vow renewal[5] for their first date. NO. I DON’T WANT TO MEET YOUR PARENTS ON THE FIRST DATE. And he’s officiating, which means Madison has to sit in the audience with his family, a bunch of strangers he doesn’t know. Also, Peter got ordained for this? It’s a vow renewal, not a real wedding.
Nothing on earth makes sense. Nothing. But vows are renewed, tears are shed, and somehow, completely by coincidence, entirely happenstance, Madison manages to catch the bouquet. What a miracle. It definitely wasn’t done on purpose, no sir.
At the dinner where no one eats, Madison mentions her dad, which is probably the first of many. Is this going to be like Cassie last season? Is this another girl who relies so deeply on her paternal opinion to make any decision? Should these people really be on reality television? Anyway, Madison gets a rose and some country band no one has heard of plays to a near-empty room where they dance and then Peter’s entire family has to pretend they’re interested in this random country band. My mom would literally cackle in my face at the entire notion of doing this.
My season of The Bachelorette would be so good.
Oop, we’re back at the house, and there’s…. A DATE CARD!!!!!!!!
Lauren, Sydney, Payton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, MykVOMOM, Alayah/Aleyah and Savannah are all on the next group date.
They head out for their group date, which even Peter knows nothing about, other than it involves someone who knows him very well. Well, we, the audience, know two things about Peter: He is a pilot who fucked Hannah Brown four times in a windmill.
So of course, Hannah Brown is making a special guest apperance at this group date. OF COURSE. Also, she looks stunning and where do I get that lavender glittery dress? They dressed her so well on her season.[6]
HANNAH BEAST. Of course, she’s standing in front of a windmill on a stage, because Peter is a pilot who fucked her in a windmill four times, did you know? Hannah proceeds to tell these women about the time she fucked Peter, who is a pilot, four times, in a windmill. And the girls get to share their own awkward sexy time stories under the guise of “empowerment” and confidence… in front of a live audience.
None of the girls are happy that Alabama Hannah is there, as much as I am, because as everyone can admit, including Peter and Hannah, this is WEIRD. IT’S WEIRD. Hannah can put on a show, but when Peter comes back to talk to her, she’s upset. It’s weird and awkward and it’s hard to watch your ex-boyfriend (and yes, he was her ex-boyfriend, they DTRed) date 30 other women in front of you and you be contractually obligated to go along with it. Hannah is “mascara running” upset.
She’s upset. She thinks she fucked up by not picking Peter, and now she has to sit on the sidelines and pretend it’s all hunky dory. She questions a lot of her choices, a lot of what she’s done[7] and Peter wants to know if she ever wondered about asking him out. Or if she considered reaching out when she moved 20 minutes away from him. Or if he made the right decision.
I’m fascinated by this conversation. This is the kind of shit that goes down in texts after the show is over, not while the cameras are rolling. Peter asks her if she’d be interested in coming into the house… and wow. I mean, we’ve seen this before—Kaitlyn did it with Nick—but we’ve never seen it done with vulnerability in this manner. These are two heartbroken people. Hannah tells him she thuought was going to be Jed (barf) and Peter in the end, and then… it wasn’t. Because Tyler Cameron is hot.
Hannah admits that she didn’t reach out to Peter because he didn’t reach out to her, she didn’t think it was going to be a thing because she thought he wanted to be The Bachelor. She gave up, and she thought she was over it until she saw him in the position she was in six month prior. He’s not over it. Neither is she. He wants to be with her, he wanted it to work out. He wants her to come back on the show and see if they can make it work between them.
And that’s where we left off. Wow.
Next Week, on The Bachelor: Everyone is freaking out about Hannah. The end. See you next week!
Tonight, on Sick Sad World:
• How thrilled is Delta that they’re getting all of this free publicity in Peter, tho?
• Never getting over the lady pilot thing. I can’t.
• I will never get over Mykenna’s name and oh my god am I angry she’s likely a lock for Paradise which means I will somehow have to learn how not to projectile vomit at the mere idea of typing her name.
• #justiceformaurissa
• I’m so glad to be back, and in this format with y’all. It’s gonna be long, bumpy ride, something something plane pun.
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Someone give Kelsey Poe a Peabody! ↩
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Sorry, Brad Womack… am I wrong? ↩
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LOL HAVE YOU SEEN THE TRAILER FOR THIS SEASON ↩
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It’s very Ramona Singer to hold a vow renewal on a non-monumental anniversary. 31 years, 17 years, who cares! ↩
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Apparently they haven’t been clued into the Vicki Gunvalson Statute of 2010: If Vows Are Renewed On Reality Television, There Is Divorce Imminent. ↩
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Yes! This is a Hannah Brown stan account! Should I go back and recap her season, at least the fashion? Should I? No, because I have a job and a life and I sincerely think if I try to sit through anything involving Luke Parker again my heart will give out. ↩
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Probably not now that she won Dancing with the Stars, though. ↩